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Having a Second Child
Compiled from WMOMS discussions by Lynn S.
Disclaimer: Some of this advice worked for some people some of the time. Neither they, WMOMS nor Working Moms Refuge take responsibility for its applicability to your family. Please discuss any questions with your own network of professionals, friends and family first. Table of Contents:
Q: Since we are actively trying to conceive a second child, I was wondering if you all could add some insights as to how life changed with the second, both good and bad. Here's where the turmoil starts. I *really* want another child. I'm starting to get the massive urge to procreate again but unfortunately rather than just jumping in with both feet, I'm thinking a lot about the situation. My life is so wonderful right now that I'm almost afraid of "screwing things up" by having another child. I know that this must sound rather harsh but I'm really afraid that I'm going to tip the scales on time management if I have another baby. We are also concerned about spending good quality time with our daughter, getting two children out the door in the morning, the financial aspects (specifically, the need for an addition to our two bedroom house) and the impact on my career.
The second child has been a major impact on my life. I don't want to give the impression I have any regrets about having a second child and overall the impact has been positive. But it's definitely greater and different than I expected. I knew there would be more to do with a second child, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to balance two children. My daughter was 3.5 years old when her brother was born. She was/is fairly self-sufficient. She's able to feed herself, dress herself, use the toilet by herself, bathe herself, etc. with relatively little adult supervision. She was also to the point (whether by age or temperament) of usually being able to understand when I can't do something for her immediately (because I was busy with the baby). And she was occasionally able to entertain herself for up to an hour. Career-wise it has just had a small incremental affect over what having one child meant. We decided that it was best for the kids to be in separate child-care arrangements. So there is a bit of a hassle juggling two pick-up/drop-offs; but this is much less than I expected. I never would have been able to work at home when my first child was a baby, she was just too demanding and didn't have a regular schedule to work around. With the second, it might have been possible until he became mobile. I would think you'd have to at least have a contingency plan for the case where the baby is very high maintenance, if you are planning on working from home without child-care. Also, even though I took a short maternity leave, I was reluctant to work over-time or travel while the kids are little babies (partly because of nursing). I traveled earlier after my second child was born, but I am justnow beginning to occasionally stay late. The good news is--so far--they are a mutual admiration society and there is almost no jealousy between them (they occasionally have toy tug of war). If anything my daughter is protective of her brother. She's often, but not always, willing to help out. In other words, she's almost always kindly disposed toward him; but I can't depend on her to take care of him (when he was 5mo old he rolled off the bed while she was sitting right beside himbut when he was 12mo old she kept him from walking off the edge of the porch without anyone saying anything to her). My second child adores his older sister, his face lights up at the mention of her name. The bad news is I feel like I am just barely able to cope. I agree with some of the other people who posted, two kids is more than twice the work. The oldest child was a high maintenance child - still there were spaces in the day when I could wash the dishes or leaf through a magazine. With two kids, I am almost always bouncing between the two.And since having a second child, I've learned the noise level alone can stress me, and with two kids, the noise level is constant and has more than doubled. My husband and I could team up with just one child, now one of us focuses on one child while the other takes the other. Less total family interaction as well as less interaction between mother and father. Our older child is beginning to like to hear chapter books at bedtime; the younger one can't always sit still through Goodnight Moon. So I rush through one or both bedtime stories or I do one and my husband does the other (and of course, each of us miss special time with one of the kids). I do not cope well with this fragmented multi-tasking. And I feel like I am short-changing both children. What is hardest for me is the emotional aspects. I love both my children so much that when I am with them I want to be able to give myself completely to both of them. And although I think I can love both of them equally (but uniquely), I can't give both of them my undivided attention at the same. But, before my son was born, this is one of the lessons we wanted our daughter to learn. I know that because each of my children is a unique individual, I do, and should, love them differently. But I am constantly questioning myself about whether I love them equally. Perhaps only because she is a girl, I really identify with my daughter. Does that make my bond with her stronger than that with my son? or am I more accepting of my son because I love him as an individual and don't see myself in him? It's also a constant battle to keep from comparing them. I often find myself thinking things like: my second child is such a happy baby, why can't the older one get over her hyper-sensitiveness? My older child had a vocabulary of over a dozen words at this age; the younger one doesn't even say "Mama."I didn't realize I would I miss the special relationship I had with an only child. But I wouldn't miss having my second child for anything in the world.
This is part of the reason our kids are 10 years apart. We always expected to have 2 kids, but after our son was born my husband changed his mind and decided he didn't want any more. It took some getting used to for me, but I didn't feel I would want to have a child that was unwanted by him. By the time our son got to be about 4, I was pretty sure I didn't want to start over again with diapers,etc. When our son got to be about 7 or 8, we started to revisit our decision. We had been through a very rough spot in our marriage, and had come out of it closer to each other than we had ever been before. Plus, our son really wanted a brother (well, he didn't get his wish there) and we kept thinking about our relationships with our own siblings, and realized that if anything ever happened to us, even years from now, our son would be alone. We thought about it for a long time, and finally decided to do something about it when he was about 9. Sure, we had to start over with everything, but the memories of diapers and spit-ups weren't fresh anymore, so it felt more like having a first baby --you just take care of everything without feeling set back. It was hard on the one hand, to give up some of the freedom we had gained by having an older more self-sufficient child, but we had enough perspective to know that the very dependant stage really lasts a very, very short time. Weknew there would be a light at the end of the tunnel because we had already experienced it once. My only advice is to give yourselves time before you cast your decisions in stone, so to speak.
I had thought I would have another one, but now I'm not so sure. Granted, my daughter is only 7 months old so I have time to get over it, but she takes a lot of time and energy, and I'd like to have some leftover for myself. I remember vacationing with a woman who had two kids, and she was constantly doing something for one of them. It's like the kids were playing a cruel game on her--whenever she started paying attention to one, the other one would start whining for attention. She never got a break. I'm wondering if the benefits would counteract that. My husband says he's fine with just one, so this may be it!
I'm going through the "frazzling" stage of having 2 young children 21 months apart (working full time). Having more that 1 child was never an issue for me, I always wanted at least 2 children and most likely 3. I have 2 sisters and we are very close. I know there are no guarantees, but I hope my children can experience such a relationship. I worry about this though, especially since I have a boy and a girl. I never had a brother, so I don't know what to expect from a brother/sister relationship.
Anyway, our lives are very hectic right now, definitely more so than with just one child. Some days I don't think I can continue at this pace and start to think more seriously about working part time. Having two children has *definitely* changed our lives. However, my second child has added so much to our family and the older one adores his baby sister! It is hard to explain how special their interaction is, but it makes having a second child very worthwhile. I'm debating about having a 3rd child. I just don't think I can handle one more, andseriously doubt there will be a third. I have decided to wait awhile before making a final decision, but I'm sure the longer I wait the harder it will be to go back to the baby stage again.
Our second was not planned. She was quite a surprise. We hadn't even discussed more children. But she was quite welcome. My children have 22 months between them. Which means my son was 14 months old when I became pregnant. Having them this close is most definitely more work. I spend more time "maintaining" them than I do nurturing their littleminds. This is something I occasionally get frustrated about...but I try not to (be frustrated) because it's a waste of my time and energy that I need. Fortunately, the new daycare they are in is fabulous and obviously stimulating their little minds. This is comforting to me. It is so true that parents must be ready to have a child (or 2 or 3). It's so important I think it ought to be a requirement for having kids! Like many of you have already experienced, you have much less time to yourself...especially if you have them close together and while they are young. If you value time to yourself, you must consider this or else you may resent the second child (or all of them). It is so important to have children ONLY when both parents are ready.
My husband and I knew right away we wanted two and that they would be close together(18.5 months apart as it turns out.) I also like the fact that the kids have each other, and I have read some really neat stuff lately about sibling rivalry. e.g. it is VERY IMPORTANT and teaches all kinds of good coping/arguing skills. The most fun thing is to watch the same kids who moments before were angry and "hating" each other get all lovey dovey and teach each other a new skill, or defend each other from someone...or play together. It's quite different than playing with friends, because there's an element of no risk --you can't stop being each other's siblings. I think close cousins would work about the same way, too. I often tell my kids when they are having a tough time that they should want to resolve differences because they will have each other all their lives. No matter what, no matter who they marry, the only persons who will remember them as they were are each other....AND... a difficult child is NOT necessarily a bad thing. My #1 was (and is) quite the difficult child. But that turns out to be a blessing as well -- she's opinionated from the start, but now really holds her own and has true courage of her convictions!And a disabled child need not ruin the first child's life. Though one hopes it will not happen, I have seen families rise to the occasion, and the healthy children learn some very valuable lessons in life and love, sharing, compassion. As to careers and mornings -- I could get fired tomorrow, and get another fantastic job, but it can't beat the snuggles and kisses I get every day, no matter where I am going! Plus mornings aren't as bad if you are married -- and I did the two separate daycare thingtwice -- from when my son (#2) was an infant to age 18 months, and age 4 thru first grade. That's what husbands/daddies are for...Mornings will not necessarily get better if you wait til the #1 child is older. Then you have to deal with homework, clothing and hair problems, etc.
We don't have a 2nd - but we have decided we want one. actually, we decided we wanted 2 (at least) while we were engaged - we both have siblings and felt they added greatly to our childhoods - - and our adulthoods. As soon as my son was born I was actually planning number 2. I had some great postpartum hormones for about 2 weeks (but, I think I went through postpartum depression last Oct - Dec as I look back on it). The plan (which means it won't work) is to start trying in August - - and as that gets closer I've been having some of the same fears that - especially related to time and attention to kids and careers. My answer to myself hasbeen that even if life is horribly hectic for 4 more years, I still, with any luck, will have 20 more years of career time - - Besides, I can't believe how fast this past year has gone - 4 years of craziness will slip by in a blink. I too, though, have really had to fight the superstitions. There is a part of me that is convinced that I've used up all my good luck. [I'm real glad to hear I'm not the only one who thinks this way].
I remember when I was having my second (who was born about 3 years after the first), I was terrified that there was no WAY I could love another child as much as I loved my first. Even when she was a newborn, I used to think to myself, "oh dear, I love her, but I don't love her as much as my older daughter".....and of course the REALLY obsessive thoughts like, "if the house was burning down and I could only save one....." But yes, eventually I came to love her every bit as much as her sister. And with numbers 3 and4, those thoughts didn't even enter into my mind.
Yes, the 2nd kid is more work but who knows that he or she won't be as much or more joy? I do feel that closer is better, just because of stages.. right now we can all go to the same movie, go to the opera and theater, etc. together. If we were just having another baby this would not be possible. Of course I know just a many who like a bigger spread for other equally valid reasons. The impact on kid #1 -- well, let's put it this way. I once heard a saying, that child #1 is born with (usually) 2 adoring faces looking at him/her, whereas child #2 has 2 adoring faces and 1 disapproving one (the sibling.) I feel that siblings do teach some important problem solving skills, but of course, in an extended family, with cousins living close by, you'd have the same. One thing I always tell my kids when they fight is to work it out,because after DH and I are gone, only the two of them will have a shared history and know all about each other. They fight, sometimes physically, but then there are moments of such heartbreaking love between them... that I don't worry.
Q: I'm still working to recapture my current wardrobe and can't imagine repeating the process soon for fear I'd never regain my desired size. I'd be interested in hearing any thoughts on how (if?) the weight gain issue impacts the decision of if/when to have a 2nd child. This is one of the biggest reasons I am waiting until sometime next year to think about having my 2nd. I'm really glad you brought this up. I hate to admit it, but I gained 80lbs with my daughter. I breastfed for 9mos, and didn't feel comfortable dieting and any exercise but walking was painful, if you know what I mean. I can't see putting another baby weight gain on top of what I already have to lose. It is coming off slowly, but I still have a while before I am in shape again. My daughter is a year old today (I've been on the verge of tears all morning). I figure if we try to get pregnant about a year from now, I should have lost the weight and there will be about 3 years between the kids. That's the plan, we will see if it all works out.
I too am about 5'9", but currently, 1.5 years after my second was born, I weigh 165. OUCH! That damn extra layer of skin on my belly, thighs and torso doesn't seem to want to go away! Before my first, I weighed 135. I gained 35 pounds during my pregnancy and he was 10lb 5oz at birth, so I figure he needed the extra weight! When he was 6 months I started walking 30 mins, 3x a week for three months. Then I started a dance aerobics class (40 mins, 3x a week) and lifting weights (1 hour, 2x a week). At this point I weighed 145...but I was skinnier. The same clothes I fit snugly in before pregnancy now fit loosely. I had built muscular mass that I didn't have before pregnancy when I weighed 135. And I liked it better. I felt healthier weighing more, but being more fit. So ladies, don't get to hung up on your weight, especially if you're active. Muscle weighs more than fat. Unfortunately, I got pregnant with our second shortly after I had achieved this new "hard" body. However, I still kept active by walking anywhere I could (at least 30 minutes 3x a week) until the baby was born. In fact I went into labor with both my children after a long, hard walk during the day. Now, 18 months later I seem to not be able to get rid of this nasty layer of flabby skin. Because I'm tall, I can wear it well with the right clothing...but can't stand to see myself a la nude.
I notice that a lot of slim Moms before hand seem to loose their weight quickly and get back to their size within a couple of months. On the other hand, I'm not slim, about 20 lb heavier than my ideal weight should be. I blame it on my kids, but I guess the only thing I can blame on them is the flabby extra skin on the belly which seems to be a permanent part of my exterior. I found it a lot harder to loose weight after the second one. The first one, I seemed to tighten up a lot more in the middle. Put it this way I never used to have to wear tummy tucker panties with my dresses before my children came along. And after my second,the tucker had to be tighter.
After my first child was born, within about 6 months I was within 5 lbs of my normal weight. I had gained about 25 lbs during pregnancy. I got pregnant with my second when my first was 1 year old and was still about 5 lbs over. I gained another 30 lbs during the next pregnancy and at 6 months postpartum was about 10-15 lbs above my normal weight. I had a hard time losing that last 10 lbs! However, after about 6 months of exercise and mild dieting, I am finally back to my normal weight. I know I didn't really gain that much between pregnancies, but my attitude was to really worry about it after I was done having children. That way I wouldn't be too disappointed if I gained it all back during the nextpregnancy.
Q: I am pregnant with our second child and I am wondering what, if anything, I should do to prepare my older child for the birth of his sibling. What I've heard of other people doing is when buying things for #2, allow #1 to pick something out and make a big deal that this is a present from #1 to #2. Also, when #2 finally arrives, have a little present for #1 because they've just become big brother or a big sister. There are also storybooks out explaining how your child is going to be a big brother or sister. We want to search for one or two of those. These are just things off the top of my head. We haven't given it a lot of thought because we don't expect to reach this hurdle for a while yet.
We did two things that I think "helped", but my older child was still pretty unprepared and she was just shy of 3 when the baby was born. There is a Sesame Street video called "A new baby in our House" or something like that. Typical Sesame Street B they used Muppets, Snuffulupagus and real people to tell same story in three different ways. We also took her to a siblings class offered by the hospital. She just barely made the cut off. I think they prefer they be three already. I found it very interesting and they presented ideas I wouldn't have thought of. They talked about what the baby won't be able to do - play with toys, talk, walk, etc. When the teacher asked the kids if their baby would be able to talk, etc the kids all said yes. I never thought about emphasizing how the baby would be different from them I just assumed they would know. She talked about what the baby will do - cry, eat, need diapers, etc. They showed the different things that will be used forthe baby - diapers, wipes, etc and talked about ways they could help Mommy by bringing diapers, etc. Then they toured the hospital. This was the part I was really interested in because I didn't want my daughter to be totally shocked to come up to the hospital and see me in the bed. Even if don't do a sibling class (or can't) I think most hospitals will give you a tour.
One thing we didn't do and hind sight we should have. I was the one responsible for 95% of my daughter's care. Of course with a new baby I couldn't do it all and so DH tried to get her dressed, put her to bed, etc. This was a disaster. She wanted Mommy because that was our routine. DH got mad because he "wasn't good enough", etc. If the childcare is uneven in your house (as it was in mine) think about things DH can do to help out, but turn them over to him now so the routine will be that Daddy puts her to bed now, before the new baby comes.
I realize this is totally a YMMV sort of thing but I would strongly encourage you discussing this with your son soon and often. Regardless of their age they *know* something is going on and I think the more time he has to think about it and express himself the better. He'll probably be po'd even if he acts excited. I am currently re-reading"Between Parent and Child" by Dr. Haim Ginott. While some of this book is outdated or not practical (i.e. "mother should be home when child arrives home from school") he has such a sensible approach to children and their feelings. He has some great suggestions onpreparing kids and recognizes that there are some pretty enormous feelings that come along with the arrival of a new sibling. My other favorite books (How to Talk so Kids will Listen..., Siblings w/o rivalry...,) are based on Dr. Ginott's teachings. Like I said, it's aYMMV thing but I bet he's got some thoughts in his little head that he would love to get out in the air.
Even though I'm *barely* pregnant, my daughter knew something was up from the get go. Little kids aren't stupid. She listens to everything my husband and I discuss and usually (like the little Miner bird that she is) she comments on our conversations. One of the reasons we told her so early was that she *knew* we were discussing a "baby", we were discussing sleeping arrangements, feeling sick, how she will react. She picked up on all of this stuff. We just thought that letting her in on the secret earlier rather than later would at least help her in not feeling excluded..
My son was 22 months old when his sister was born. Throughout the pregnancy I, too, worried about how a new baby would effect him. I read as much about it as I could, but my husband's mom gave me the best advice that I have no doubt worked for my son (and his sister). She suggested I refer to the growing baby in my belly as 'his' baby. I really do think the language you use when talking to #1 about the soon-to-be-arriving sibling is very important in how they will interact with the baby. If they don't hear anything about a new baby until they express concern over mama's belly being so large, they will inevitably go through some form of shock when the baby arrives because they haven't hadtime to process the whole thing on their own. I think kid's do best in any situation when they are prepared and have an idea of what to expect. Kind of like us adults. We don't do well in any situation we're unprepared for. Think if you suddenly found out about a sibling you didn't know existed... It would change a lot of things in your life. Like, why didn't your parents ever tell you? The same goes for a little person who's unprepared for the arrival of a sibling. I think I'm so passionate about this is because I see how well it worked for my children's relationship. I wouldn't want anyone to go through the unnecessary heartache of #1 regressing to baby behavior, suddenly acting out, or even doing harmful things to the baby, him/herself or their mother. (I've heard of these things happening). Welcoming a new member of the family is such a wonderful experience that everyone should be a part of (even the family pets!)
Q: I am pregnant with my second child at age 34. I am thinking about having an amnio. Would anyone care to share their experience? I had an amnio done when I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I was 39 when I delivered, 38 when the test was done. I was going to have CVS but had a virus and fever the day it was scheduled and they wouldn't do it. I was glad I had it done just for the peace of mind of knowing that the baby was healthy and that it was a girl. My DH and I had verydiffering opinions on what would be done if there were chromosomal abnormalities so I'm very glad that everything was fine. As far as pain, it really was not painful. Uncomfortable -- yes - but I wouldn't say painful. The worst part was the anticipation and then the waiting for the results. You have to decide for yourself, but I don't think I would have had the test at 34. Good luck with whatever you decide.
I had an Amnio done with my daughter although I was only 29 at the time. I had the AFP blood test which is given at 16-18 weeks come out indicating the possibility of downs so we went ahead and had it done. Unless there is a reason for it, I probably wouldn't do it since I pretty much tend to shy away from unnecessary procedures. Neither would I fear it. If there is anything that would indicate that the amnio would be helpful to diagnose a potential problem, I would not hesitate. The pain is minor, no more really than a blood test (the needle is much long but no thicker so it doesn't hurt anymore than a blood test). My doctor numbed the skin where he inserted needle and the nurse had the ultrasound viewing the baby to make sure the needle didn't go anywhere near her.The test results indicated a normal, healthy girl by the way, although they didn't tell us she would have such a well developed sense of humor (gets that from my side I must say).
I was a month shy of 37 when my son was born - so I was certainly eligible for an amnio and was offered one by my ob but my husband and I had thought it through and turned down the option - - instead we had the AFP blood test and a level 2 ultrasound (at about 17 weeks) followed by a level 3 ultrasound at about 21 weeks. We knew that if the baby had Down's we would not terminate the pregnancy - - - however, I was not so sure about my reaction for some other severe disorders physical disorders - - in other words, I wanted to know about things the amnio wasn't going to tell - and the amnio news wasn't that important to us. As I said, we had two very thorough, up close and personal ultrasounds. The ultrasounds would probably have noted any potential spinal cord problems, heart problems and other serious concerns. There are also some physiological markers of Down's Syndrome that can be noted on the ultrasound in 50% of the cases - so if those showed up we'd have a goodindication (and maybe then would have opted for the amnio just to know for sure).I am a major proponent of information for information's sake. We might have done the amnio if the ultrasound suggested Down's was a possibility so that we could then spend the next several months learning about the syndrome and our options for early ntervention, possible related health issues, etc. In that way we would be "acting on the information", but I'm guessing not in the way your doctor was thinking.
I didn't have one, but I did have an abnormal result with the AFP so if the sonogram had not looked good I would have had that option. I guess to me it depends on what you would do with the information. If the amnio said there was a major problem with the fetus would you consider aborting? I don't think I would, but I probably would have gone ahead with the amnio for different reasons. I think I would want to know as much as possible about the fetus' condition so I could read everything I could get my hands on, possibly have specialists lined up to help the child and also in some ways grieve for the "perfect" baby I *thought/hoped* I was having. I would want to get that out of the way (if that is possible) before I had the baby so I could "hit the ground running" once the baby was born and do what ever was humanly possible to minimize the baby's problems. Even though I had a false problem with the AFP, if I got pregnant again I would still have the AFP for the reasons I stated above.
The main reason for pre-natal testing for me has been for preparation and prevention. I posted this not to long ago about my little cousin who had problems at birth. I have to stress that without the pre-natal testing, a normal vaginal delivery would have killed him. The nature of his problem required a c-section and immediate surgery thereafter. Thankfully he is a healthy, happy boy now. If his mom had said no to any of the recommended testing, they might not have known about the problems. Another thing to think about, what if testing revealed that the baby had so many defects that it would never survive? Would you want to continue to carry it to term, or to eventual and inevitable miscarriage, knowing it would never be viable?
I had an aquaintance who had a child with Down's syndrome. It took many days after delivery for them to discover this. The baby had problems, often associated with Down's syndrome, which might have been anticipated or more quickly diagnosed and treated if they'd known about the Down's syndrome. If *I* had been in their situation and had turned down an amnio (which would have detected Down's) I would have been *so* mad at myself for not knowing ahead of time so that I could have lined up the care for my baby before he was born. Although I know that learning of a child's disability or compromised health will always result in some grief, I personally would prefer to go through this grieving period before the child is born. Ignorance is bliss only when knowledge doesn't come with options. I'd prefer the option to meet the child with joy and the resources to give him/her the best possible start in life.
I am not going to have one. I understand probability but not medicine so this is the worst possibility. I am completely totally PRO CHOICE but I would not terminate for anything short of certain death, and on those cases where I would I would never stop wondering about the test failure rate. So I see no reason to test since no test is 100%. Let me tell you why I am not so freaked by a baby with a problem. My best friend was spina bifada (sp?) born in '63. Her mom, well the doctors told her not to feed her. (I remember overhearing this with some surprise as a kid, but I do not know if she ever heard it.) (I think that in the fifties & sixties there must have been a quiet practice of infanticide in America for defective babies.) The doctors said she would never learn how to crawl. Well she did. She would never learn how to talk. She learned. The professionals said she would never never never and then she did did did. She is perfectlycool, religious, but you can't have everything ;-). So I guess I know too well that you have to give someone a chance to try, even if it is so unlikely that any individual will succeed against such odds. I must admit since I have grown up and figured out (around high school I guess) that she is "handicapped" I never was able to totally get past that label. Too weird. Before that I just thought she had an advantage in fights cause she could knock the tar out of somebody with those braces.
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