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Tap Dancing on Eggshells

by Mitzi Bryant

You know there are certain steps you were supposed to have learned, and you're trying with all of your might to dance them. You know if you don't get it just right, all hell will break loose-and you will be the one to blame. If this sounds familiar to you, then you are a survivor of emotional or verbal abuse. Often the most insidious form of abuse, it affects many women long after the divorce is final.

I lived in an abusive relationship for many years, believing that I was the problem. That's a fairly common feeling among survivors, who have often heard that they were the ones to blame. Emotional abusers are short-tempered, controlling, and manipulative people who often have the own perception of reality (which includes blaming).

Most people thought that we had the ideal marriage. I was the good corporate wife, a Stay-At-Home-Mom of two, with a loving, devoted husband. We had The American Dream as most people dream it. Things, however, were not what they appeared. We were two people trapped in a cycle of abusive behavior that was damaging to us both, and eventually to our children. He had a problem with anger, most of which was focused on me. I became a lightening rod for all of his frustrations, his fear, and his rage. He became unable to perceive any reality but his own. Events were remembered as he remembered them; situations interpreted as he saw them. To his friends, family, and co-workers, he was cordial and polite, but inside he seethed.

I don't mean to diminish the pain of victims of physical violence when I say that there were times that I wished that he would hit me. I could see that he wanted to so badly, and I would flinch and think, "THEN someone would believe me". I carried no bruises or scars on the outside, but on the inside I was devastated. Believing that I was the problem, my self-esteem hit bottom and I began to experience depression and anxiety. I spent so much of my life paralyzed-not knowing how to prevent the anger, not knowing how to make things better, not knowing how to stop the train wreck we were experiencing.

After 14 years, we divorced, and the slow process of healing began. I had to get to know myself again, and relearn so many of the ways that I perceive things. Learning to like myself, learning to forgive myself (and him) were huge hurdles in the beginning, but these things become more manageable every day. Because we have children, he is a presence in my life, and we still fall into the old patterns. It's a conditioned response for me-I tense up, the adrenaline rushes, my heart pounds, and my mind races trying to anticipate and divert. The stress of living in an abusive relationship is unbelievable, and the old responses do not go away overnight.

Learning to be assertive despite his disapproval has been a difficult task, but has been the most rewarding thing I've ever accomplished. I don't play the games anymore, because I have more respect for myself. My life is peaceful because I've learned that I am not a victim, I am a survivor.

Mitzi Bryant is an accountant and freelance writer as well as mom to her three children: Will, Kate and Anna. She was excited about the prospect of dating again, until she remembered she'd also been excited about the prospect of childbirth. Mitzi's adventures in dating continue.