Working Moms Refuge | Single Moms

Family
Career
Art of Juggling
Single Moms
Dad's Voice
News
Health
Bookshelf
Recipes
Sports Mom

Archives
Contact Us

Discussion Lists
Wisdom of Mothers
Resources

Going To Daddy's

by Susan Farrell

Visitation — not a pleasant word to most of us, bringing to mind prisons and hospitals. However, it's a part of parenting that many of us deal with on a frequent basis. This column will address visitation problems that arise and suggest possible solutions, as well as offer tips to make things go a little smoother.

Experience tells us that stability and regularity of schedules play important roles in a child's development and well-being. This also applies to visitation, because it is important for a child to know when he or she can count on spending time with mom or dad. Visitation schedules vary as much as the people involved in them, but there are some general guidelines and suggestions that can ease the situation for everyone involved.

Co-Parenting Agreements:

A co-parenting relationship, amicable or not, is best put in writing to avoid conflict and misunderstandings. This agreement could be a formal, detailed, legal document, or just a typed agreement between parents that is updated regularly. Because needs change, the agreement should be reviewed and updated at least once a year.

If both parents live in the same area and have an amicable relationship, the needs and schedules of parents and children should be considered and a balance would be the goal. Flexibility is the key, keeping in mind that what is best for the children and considerate of each other's schedules will help achieve that balance. A brief 15-30 minute meeting or phone call every three or four months, allows both parents to plan ahead for their own lives, yet keeps the arrangements flexible enough that one doesn't feel locked into a set schedule forever. Holidays, vacations, and appointments can often be planned a few months in advance as well and should also be addressed in this meeting.

Similarly, if you have an amicable relationship with the other parent but do not live in the same area, a phone call meeting to plan ahead is in everyone's best interest. In this case, however, it's best to plan for approximately six months in advance. Advanced planning allows both parties to take advantage of travel discounts and schedule vacations, time off from work, and family get-togethers.

Often an amicable co-parenting relationship is not possible, so guidelines should be put in writing, even legally ordered if necessary, to avoid misunderstanding and conflict. Some items to consider including in the written agreement:

Exact visitation dates

Deadline dates for the arrangements to be made

Division of costs

When funds or reimbursements are due

Who will purchase the tickets or make the travel arrangements, and by what date

Any specific restrictions for the visitation times such as who may care for the child (i.e. our visitation document specifies that the children may not be left in the care of non-family members at any time, and not with a relative for more than a day without the permission of the other parent)

Additional costs such as an airline escort or family member, and the specifics such as how old the children must be before traveling without a family member, without an escort, or to visit other family members without a parent.

What occurs in the case of noncompliance (i.e. forfeiture)

Guidelines for making changes (all changes should be in writing too)

Although some of this may seem extreme, if there is not an amicable co-parenting relationship, the detailed guidelines are essential and can help to avoid conflict and misunderstandings. Don't assume that just because the parents dislike each other or can't get along, they can't be amicable when it comes to their children. If parents can keep in mind the child's best interests, everyone is better off.

Transportation & Costs:

When it comes to money, people get very touchy and possessive-that's just human nature. Planning ahead will help keep costs down, but there are a few things to consider that may cost more. Planning for these in advance also will help avoid conflicts at the last minute.

First and foremost, the children's safety and well-being is most important. With very young children (6 and under), you cannot have them fly without a family member on most airlines. The cost of the accompanying family member may be something to consider when calculating visitation costs.

Whenever possible, flights should be direct or with minimal layovers and changes.

Schedule flights early in the day. If there are any cancellations or weather problems, you are more likely to get another flight.

Most airlines will allow you to board early with children, and some will allow you to go on board to get the child settled in their seat if you are not traveling with them.

Many airlines also have special menus for children at your request. Ask when you make your reservation or call at least a day in advance to make special requests.

Be sure you have the correct, full name (as listed on identification) of who will meet your children on the receiving end. Remind that person to bring identification, because the airlines will require it before releasing a minor from their care. Also be sure to have an alternate, just in case.

Request an escort or assigned agent from the airlines for any minor children. There is an additional cost for this service; and you should check if the fee is per flight, not the total trip. You may have to pay an additional fee if there are flight changes during the trip. Inquire about airline policies concerning who will help the children change flights, assistance in case of emergencies, bad weather contingencies, or arrangements for canceled, no-show, or layover flights. Note also that requesting an escort does not mean that it will be that one person the entire trip; there could be different attendants at different times and on each flight. Find this out in advance, so you can let your child know what to expect.

Be sure your child has all emergency telephone numbers, and knows how to call using a calling card or operator assistance.

Be sure to go over these rules regularly with child and other adult.

Smooth Transitions:

Making the transition from one home to another or just from one parent to another will go a lot smoother if everyone knows who, what, where, when and how. Try to keep these as consistent as possible ... it is stressful for all to deal with unknowns or last minute changes. A few tips:

Allow for adjustment times. Never make the return time too early or too close to bedtime or on the last day of a school break. No one likes having change forced on them and everyone needs a readjustment time. Some children will readjust to their routines within an hour. Some take a day or two. Find out what works best for your children and go from there.

Plan when, where to meet, who will provide transportation, what to do in case of no shows or delays, etc. Discussing this in advance will avoid conflicts later.

Provide a list in writing with instructions as to the child's regular schedule, needs, likes/dislikes. If it is amicable, be sure to go over the list together. If the relationship is not amicable, mail it in advance as well as sending a list with the child. Include things such as bedtime rituals (brushing teeth, fluoride, flossing, special orthodontic equipment, bath time, story time, songs, prayers, etc.), homework assignments, any important events happening that might be great conversation topics, reminders of when and where to return, appointments to be kept, favorites (songs, stuffed animals, pillow, pajamas, etc.) Remember that whatever makes this smoother for the parent, also makes it smoother for the child. Don't be harsh in the instructions or overbearing ... just informative. Finish it off with "Have a great time together" or some positive thought.

Have a special bag for visits. Buy items just for it that are kept in the bag and will lesson stress and packing time, such as a toothbrush, toothpaste, comb or brush, perhaps special pajamas and a stuffed animal or blanket and pillow, a telephone list, etc. If your child wants one, include a picture of you as well. For daughters, you might want to include hair clips or bows, and personal hygiene items such as tampons. Little ones may want to include a favorite book or tape of bedtime songs.

If your child has a long flight, pack a special travel bag just for the flight. My children have a 16-hour flight to Germany with layovers and flight changes. I pack a special backpack with little wrapped surprises, each with a time written on the wrapping. They wear a watch and open each package at the assigned time. I also pack snack items and drinks that they will like in case they don't like what is served on the plane. Some example "surprise items": books, magazines, markers, maze/game books, hand held or travel games, cards, a new tape or CD for their walkman if they have one.

Yes, it seems like you are helping out that other person that should be doing so much of this on his own. But what really matters is that your child is the one who will benefit and hopefully have a healthier, happier relationship with each parent. The efforts you make will lessen conflict, make for smoother visitations and transitions, and lessen the stress and worry while your child is away for a visit. If you can just keep that in mind when you make your decisions, and set aside your personal differences with the other parent, everyone will hopefully come out a winner.

Susan Farrell is the single mother of two teenagers. Her many hobbies include writing, reading, gardening, cooking, traveling and camping, and trying new things with her children. Her motto: "Live, love, laugh." Life's just too short not to.