Grieving Single

by Mitzi Bryant

Being Single brings so many new experiences for most of us. After living with a spouse or partner, we must learn to navigate our way through life alone. Sometimes it's smooth sailing, but at other times, we feel blindsided by the occasional iceberg. The death of my infant nephew was such an experience for me.

The last death experience I'd had was the sudden death of my father-in-law, years before. I remember feeling particularly close to my husband at that time-supporting him, comforting him, sharing his grief and tears. It was probably the last such experience before our divorce. I remember noticing the discomfort of his brother, who was unmarried, as he stood alone with his grief, while his siblings and their spouses took comfort in one another.

Recently, as my family stood outside the neonatal intensive care unit, I thought again of my former brother-in-law. This time, however, I was the one who felt the discomfort of being alone. I guess we don't realize how important it is sometimes to have a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on-someone with which to share our grief. My mother and I held each other (she's also single), and were able to comfort each other, but we spoke the next day about the difficulties of grieving single.

When grieving as a single person, it is important to find someone for you to talk to about your feelings. There are two kinds of listeners: (1) those that identify with your pain, sharing similar experience with you; and (2) those that hear your pain, and share your grief with you. It's important for you to talk to both kinds of listeners, but at your deepest moments of pain, it is most important just to have someone hear you.

For single moms with children, it is important to find someone to care for your children while you have time alone. Solitude gives us time to process our feelings and find peace amid tragedy. It's extremely difficult to do this and be emotionally present to your children at the same time. Find a loving friend, or splurge for a baby-sitter to get this essential time for you.

As single moms we pride ourselves on our independence and ability to do things alone. However, in times of grief, it is important to reach out to others for support. Finding those special people around you for support takes time and willingness, but when tragedy strikes, you'll be glad to have a friend upon which to lean.

Mitzi Bryant is an accountant and freelance writer as well as mom to her three children: Will, Kate and Anna. She was excited about the prospect of dating again, until she remembered she'd also been excited about the prospect of childbirth. Mitzi's adventures in dating continue.

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