Columbine: It Can Happen Anywhere

by Dona Engelhardt

My entire community was destroyed on April 20. I live in an area of Littleton, Colorado, known as Columbine.

I heard the sirens and the helicopters well before I knew what was happening. A timed bomb had gone off at an intersection close to my home. Still, I was blissfully unaware.

I turned on the television to program my VCR at 11:45 a.m., just 15 minutes after the worst of the shooting. A local station was interrupting regular programming for breaking news. I heard the words "high school shooting," and my body started tingling in fear and shock as I heard the location: "Columbine High School."

Glued to the television, I remained in a cocoon of numbness until I saw a Flight For Life helicopter land at the park adjacent to the school. I began sobbing as a student called in on his cell phone to the television station. He was hiding behind a bush outside of the school and was afraid to stand up and run to safety for fear he'd be shot through the windows. Instead, he began digging a hole in the dirt to hide and just needed to talk to someone.

For days afterwards, radio stations overflowed with calls, and songs like "Amazing Grace" were played on rock stations. I purchased flowers and a Columbine Rebels balloon and drove to Clement Park where chaos was all around. My three-year-old son held my hand and kept repeating the words I'd spoken to him earlier: "It's a very sad day." As I began crying, he cupped his little hands under my chin in an effort to catch my tears. I realized that each of the victims and the shooters once had hands that very size.

Amidst my sadness, shock and heartbreak, lay a myriad of other emotions. Among them, was a growing fear I had no way to ensure that my own son wouldn't do something like this one day. If the parents of the two shooters had no idea their sons were capable of this, what makes me think that I would know, or that my son would never do anything like this? Sure, we like to think that somehow we are different, but are we? Do I really have control over whether my son will just "snap" one day?

There are many explanations for what happened, numerous places to lay blame. I believe one of the largest contributing factors is our inadequate or ineffective guidance regarding emotional behavior. Our children don't know how to deal with their anger, resentment, and other strong emotions. When confronted with a situation that evokes these emotions-such as ridicule, broken hearts, or rejection-they are unable to cope, and begin to break down and withdraw. Without previous experience or guidance in how to deal with these emotions, a child can become angry and violent. These emotions may intensify over time for a variety of reasons - whether from repetition, inadequately addressing the feelings originally, hormonal influence, etc. - and the results can be devastating, perhaps triggering a violent, harmful reaction or "event."

As a parent, I want to help my son know how to deal with his emotions. Though much easier said than done, I believe it's an excellent place to start. I tell my three-year-old son, "It's okay to get angry, but it's not okay to hit. If you feel out of control, you can count to 10, take a time out, hit your pillow, etc., but you need to talk about it. You are not alone - everyone has these feelings sometime." I want to encourage him to talk about what he's feeling and not just push down or hold back his emotions.

Another, though perhaps more unpopular opinion, is the unrealistic expectations we place on our sons. They have to be macho, never cry and "take it like a man." Though we may never say this to our sons, society teaches it for us. We all know it's not generally acceptable for men to show their deepest feelings. A "good friend" for a male is someone they can talk to about general, almost superficial things. They are given the impression that they're not supposed to talk about much deeper issues. I sincerely doubt the shooters Eric and Dylan talked much about how the rejection they were experiencing affected them. However, I'm quite sure they talked extensively about the hate they felt because of that rejection.

The same is true of our daughters. In this day and age, a woman has the choice to do almost anything she would like to do. Society, however, condemns her choice, whatever it may be, in one way or another. Whether she's a powerful businesswoman, stay-at-home mom, or anything in between, she'll get the message that she should have done more, that she's somehow missing out on something. A stay-at-home mom should have had a career; a career-oriented woman should have spent more time with her family. As a result, these mixed messages do nothing more than confuse our daughters at best, and set them up for failure at worst.

We not only need to make it acceptable for our sons and daughters to talk about the feelings they have, we also need to encourage it. This often means the parent needs to make a conscious effort to improve communication. We can't just say, "You know you can talk to me about anything," and then leave it at that, hoping they will. We need to take it a step further and initiate conversations, ask questions, broach subjects otherwise avoided, and follow up on past discussions.

Two more very important skills to teach our children are those of acceptance and kindness. Everyone needs to have the freedom to be an individual, without being subjected to ridicule for the clothes they wear, the way they talk, or the things they like. We need to make sure our children understand that to receive acceptance as individuals , they must also learn to accept others. They cannot taunt or make fun of peers, and then react with anger and resentment when they discover they aren't safe from such experiences themselves.

Though there are no simple "right" answers to explain why kids do the things they do, giving them a good foundation and some necessary skills to get through life are good places to start. By becoming a parent, I've embarked on a life-long journey with my child. Everyday, we learn from each other. As the days go by, I begin to understand that being a good parent does not mean I have all the answers. Often I need guidance and suggestions from others, books to help teach and reinforce my messages, and feedback from my child about the best way to guide him. Still, I vow to try to teach my son all I can to help him grow to be a happy, healthy, good-hearted person in this world. Although the amount of work ahead is daunting, I look forward to the day when I can look at my grown child and not only love him, but like and respect him as an individual.