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Runaway

by Susan Farrell

Ever feel like running away?

As I watched Julia Roberts in the movie "Runaway Bride", I felt like standing up in the theater and cheering her on. "Yea! Go, girl! Run! Run for your life! For your sanity! For all of us who wish we had!"

I married my high school sweetheart. Oh, by far it was not the dream story. We got married right out of high school because our bodies had gotten ahead of our brains, and I was pregnant. He went into the military a few months after our daughter was born, and we began our married life by being apart for six months while he was in training. Not at all the ideal way to start a marriage.

Eight years and another child later, he decided he preferred someone else's bed to that of our own, and the person who owned that bed still happened to be in it with him ... needless to say, the divorce proceeded, about as long and unpleasant (not to mention expensive) as they come.

In hindsight, and while refraining myself from cheering out loud in theaters, I think back and realize there were tell-tale signs that I shouldn't have married him. But for some reason, we convince ourselves that we are doing the right thing in general, rather than the right thing for ourselves.

So do we ever learn? How do we learn to think of ourselves first, and learn to trust our own instincts rather than do what we think we're supposed to do?

A part of it I think, is getting to know ourselves. Now that may seem like a strange thing, if not ironic, that we don't know ourselves ... but I have come to the conclusion that we get so caught up in doing what we think we are supposed to do or being who we think we are supposed to be, we fail to ever truly get to know ourselves and think about who it is we really want to be, or what we really want.

For example, how many of you grew up just knowing that you were supposed to someday have a boyfriend, fall in love, get married, have children, buy a house, and live happily ever after? Did you ever really think you would be on your own and have to provide for yourself, much less children, with very little (if any) assistance from anyone else? Are you doing the job you always wanted to do or one that manages to provide what you need? How many of you always knew you wanted to be a (fill in the blank) and are doing it?

In the movie, "Runaway Bride", Julia Roberts character, with the help of the reporter, realizes too that she hasn't yet figured out who she is or wants to be, and therefore can't give herself over to someone else in marriage either ... thus the running away, and the search for who she wants to be.

It took two divorces to make me realize I didn't know who I was or what I wanted to be. I took some time to heal my broken heart, and heal from hurt from friends even that had back stabbed or abandoned me for one reason or other; with it came a lot of alone time that I spent in quiet introspection, thinking about my life, my present, and my future.

It was a wonderful time. I won't lie, it was often painful, but it was also healing, and then it became rejuvenating, restoring life in a way that nothing else could have. This was a time of discovery and growth, and although alone, not lonely. I came to know myself, and like who I am, and decide what changes I wanted to make to become who I wanted to be. It's a slow evolution, and one that changes directions and paths too, but now I feel like I am in control of the choices and directions I choose. There's no more need to run away ... it's a comfortable stroll now.

Susan Farrell is the single mother of two teenagers. Her many hobbies include writing, reading, gardening, cooking, traveling and camping, and trying new things with her children. Her motto: "Live, love, laugh." Life's just too short not to.