Letting Go

by Susan Farrell

It just happens. One day you wake up and reality hits you in the face. Your marriage isn't what you thought it was. Something is wrong with the picture, and the fairy tale isn't coming true. Happily ever after suddenly isn't there anymore.

It isn't easy to deal with disappointment, heartache, divorce. Your dreams, hopes, desires all suddenly come crashing down around you. A wave of emotions overtakes you and you feel like you're drowning, suffocating, dying. Shock, hurt, anger, fear.

Fear. It's the one that is hardest to deal with. We often can't even identify the root cause of it or how to counter it. It feeds off the other emotions and grows. Fear of how you'll make ends meet. Fear of losing the house, your home, all that you've built for your family. Fear of losing family and friends. Fear of losing your kids. Fear for your children. Fear of having to reenter the workforce or how it will affect your current employment. Fear of being alone.

I think the last one, fear of being alone, does us the most damage. Abigail Trafford, in her book Crazy Time, talks about the "ghosts." They haunt us, reminding us of the way it once was, of how he once was, of how happy we were at times, faded dreams and fairy tales. It's something we long for and hold on to. Sometimes, however, it holds on to us. We fail to see things the way they really are NOW, and how he is NOW, and we don't let go.

This is hard enough to deal with when you are alone and lonely and hurting, but it is even harder when he hasn't let go either, or at least not completely. Perhaps he still comes around or you see him when he has visitation with the children. Often there are still some feelings for each other, attractions that are hard to deny. It's all too easy to fall back into a relationship this way, particularly if neither of you are currently involved with anyone else.

I'm not saying this is wrong, nor am I saying don't. What I want to say though, is to open your eyes and truly see things the way they are and see people for who they truly are. Not what you want to see, not what once was, not who you want them to be or think they could be. Be brutally honest with yourself. If you do and realize that you aren't in love with who he really truly is now, not only for the moment or was or you think could be, you need to let go.

When I found out my husband was cheating on me, I fell apart. I went through all the emotions, and was desperately trying to salvage a marriage, unwilling to accept divorce as a possibility. One day, my sister called, and asked me, "What are you trying to hang on to?" It was a wake-up call. A light bulb went on. Suddenly, I had to take a look at reality. I realized that this man, whom I had fallen head-over-heels for 10 years previously, wasn't the same man I'd married. He was now cheating on me, having an affair, smoking and drinking heavily, associating with people I didn't know but had heard ill of, and lying to me and to his children.

My rose-colored glasses fell off. The man I saw then was not even someone I would want to associate with, even as a friend, much less as the love of my life or husband. Suddenly, there was no more respect or caring for him. I stopped loving him that instant, and realized the man I had fallen in love with and married no longer existed. It was as if he had died. This man was someone I really didn't know, nor did I want to.

It was then I let go. I accepted the "death" of the marriage and the "death" of the man I had loved. A grieving process began really. As well as the healing process. I began to think more clearly, stopped trying to hold on, and began to think forward, plan, determine HOW I was going to make it as a single mom rather than fearing it.

It isn't easy. It is a life-change that will hit you harder than being backhanded across the face. But it is a positive moment, and one that will make all the difference in your healing and getting on with life. I can't promise you won't experience more pain or loneliness or fear, but I can promise you that life does go on, and it is only what you make of it. There are other people out there, quite possibly true love, friendships that you will be able to count on, new opportunities. It isn't easy, but you can do it and you can overcome the difficulties.

The first step, however, is just letting go.

Susan Farrell is the single mother of two teenagers. Her many hobbies include writing, reading, gardening, cooking, traveling and camping, and trying new things with her children. Her motto: "Live, love, laugh." Life's just too short not to.

Family | Career | Art of Juggling | Single Moms | Health
Dad's Voice | Bookshelf | News | Recipes | Sports Mom | Discussion Lists
Business Directory | The Boards | Wisdom of Mothers | Postcards | Resources
Search | About Us | Contact Us |Advertising on the Refuge | Home

Copyright © 2000   Working Moms Refuge.