I have three kids, age 6, 4 and 2 and work full time. Finally I have the possibility to sit down at the computer because after long striving, I have finally gotten the 2-year old into watching TV. Ha ha. What a relief. My advice is to approach your husband in a meeting-like manner and tell him that you need to make a partition of your chores. There really does not have to be a reason. One thing that I find especially demanding as a mom is that for every 1 time my kids address my husband, they address me a thousand times: because I hear, understand and answer. This might also be the extra stress on you and you need to make your husband understand how much workload you take off his shoulders by providing this eternal responder for your kids. Therefore you should be entitled to some extra benefits in domestic ways. Also, if I am in a good mood I can easily understand that "OK my kids are just not old enough to follow the instruction to go from the dinnertable to take off their clothes and put their underwear in the laundry and wash and brush their teeth." I need to tell them 5-10 times along the way and it will take longer time than I might think is appropriate. BUT: if I accept that this is life and this is the case IT IS MUCH EASIER TO ACCEPT. I see myself as a reminderer and it is OK.
-- Helen

Hi Cheryl,

Your answer is in your last sentence: "I feel that I yell so much and have no control". You yell because you feel that you have no control. That's it. You need to take control of the situation. This includes delegating more of the housework to your husband - if you both work full time, the housework and childcare should be split 50/50.

I have a rather unusual "role model" regarding control: Marlon Brando as the Mafia Don in The Godfather.

Here's a man who has total control. He doesn't yell. He never gets excited. Most of the time he just whispers. Why? Because he has POWER. All it takes is a look or a nod, and 3 people get killed. You don't mess with the Don.

Every time I feel I stretch myself too thin without much in return, I bring out the image of Marlon Brando as the Don, his calm self assurance. It reminds me that I actually have some power too. I have a choice. I don't have to do all this stuff for other people. It helps me get centered. Better than meditating;)

First, you have to establish your POWER BASE. You do have one: You earn money, you run the household, housework, childcare, laundry, not to mention all your emotional & physical support. If you left, everything would fall apart. Your family NEEDS you. Make sure that you get something in return for it.

Most women do the opposite: They give everything UP FRONT. Then they're upset if nobody appreciates it. It's like walking into a casino, putting all your money on the table, and getting upset if you don't win!

Then, of course, you're out of control, because you've already given everything, there's nothing more to give, and they *took* it, without giving you anything in return. You have given away your power, the only thing you can do is yell!

Don't give too much. Only give when it's appreciated and reciprocated. Stop being everybody's maid. Your children are still young, but they are old enough to start doing little things, in fact it's a great way to build up their self esteem when they accomplish little tasks.

And tell your husband it'll improve his self esteem too, when he stops taking advantage of you;)

Best of luck!
-- Liv

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