Carolyn,

The man is 40 years old, has never been married, has no children, it's very unlikely he'll ever understand. Since you've already been together for more than 2 years and nothing has improved, you may have to face the fact that he doesn't WANT to change. If he's been with you all this time and been able to observe your stress first hand, without trying to help, I doubt any book is going to change his attitude. I'm sorry to say this, but it seems to me you're barking up the wrong tree.

Best of luck!
-- Liv

Well you're not going to like the response to this one -- but if a 40 year old man cannot see that someone is stressed out or is overwhelmed at times, when he has been with that person for 2 years -- HE WILL NEVER SEE IT!

Carolyn, you deserve better. You can choose to stay with this man, but it seems if you do, get ready to be the one to do it all.....

Again, you deserve better....
-- Debbie

I have a similar situation - I have been dating a man for 2+ years who has never been married and doesn't have children. I wish I could tell you that it is all smooth sailing - it isn't. But, over time we have come to a fairly good understanding of each other - so I can tell you what has worked.

I have had to explain (and more than once) why dating a single parent is different. I generally can't just get up and go out or come over at the last minute. Life with kids needs more planning. This took a while to sink in, but it sunk. He now accepts this about our relationship.

I also operate with very little free time. This is just a fact. Again over time, he has come to accept this as well.

For us this is working because although we love and care for each other, neither of us is interested in getting married at this point. So far, we are able to make it work because we have a good friendship going and through a lot of communication, we have been able to come to terms with the differences in our lifestyles. Every once and a while, the relationship adds stress, but hey, there is going to be a bit of that in any relationship. What we worked on was the core issues, not adding stress to my already very pressing day-to-day existance.

I don't think this works for everyone. It just happens to work for me. So I guess I wanted to provide you with a positive example. :) And the only way we've gotten this far is through lots of communication.

Also, my guy is turning 40 this year and over the past few years a lot of my male friends have turned 40. Remember that this is often a really rough age for a man - they seem to go through an awful lot of angst about where they are at and where they are going. Not that this is an excuse, but it may be a factor worth considering.

Best,
-- Marian

Carolyn,

I agree with Debbie on this one - you already have 4 children you don't need another grown up child. If cannot understand that you work all day and come home and work, regardless of how helpful your children are there will still be things for you to do, including enjoying time with your kids, then perhaps it is not meant to be. As mother always told me that there is a good reason why men that are that age and are without kids and are not married, it normally means they are very selfish - and by god I have to admit MOM WAS RIGHT!!

Hang in there though, things normally work out for the best given time!
-- Pam

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