Jugglers Workshop | All About Time
Juggling Workshop
Working Moms' Q & A
The daily tug-of-war between your career and your kids can leave you torn between the two worlds. Where do you turn? The Juggling Workshop! Ask questions and share suggestions about juggling work and family.
This month's question:
My son is 19 months old. Both my husband and I work
full-time. My son is watched by my Mom 5 days a week.
When we leave him off in the morning he could care less.
He doesn't want to kiss us and seems like he doesn't care
if we leave, when we come to pick him up and screams and
cries and doesn't want to go with us. For the last 2 weeks
when we do get him home he doesn't want to have anything to
do with me. Is he acting our anger towards me? It is tearing
me apart. I feel he thinks my Mom is his mother and I am taking
him away from her. That I am only the night time babysitter.
He says Dadda, but when it comes to me he refuses to call me
MaMa or Mommy. When my husband tells him to give Mommy a kiss
he will, but it's forced and he won't say who I am. I've begun to
believe it doesn't know who Mommy is, but is very sure who daddy
is.
Do you have any advice other then me quitting my job which I wish I could
do, but we can't afford for me to do so. I'm told it's a phase, that he
is angry because I leave him. Other kids seem to cling to their Mom, but
mine doesn't.
Any advice would be welcomed.
-- Judy
Judy,
I also work full time and with my first
born my mom was our caregiver too. I'm now the mother of three kids and my husband is a stay at home
dad.
I know what you mean about it tearing you apart, but you know what, so
does he. Children learn from a very young age how to manipulate mom.
You may think 19mos is too young, but it's not. He's not doing it to be
"mean", he's doing it cuz he can. First of all, you need to give
yourself a break from the "mommy guilt", second you need to decide if
you are doing the right thing. If you look at your situation and say to
yourself, you know what, he's in the best possible care he can be in
while I'm away - then you stand up straight and tall and he will pick up
on the fact that this is how it works.
It is a phase, a short but painful one and one you can be proactive
about. You are his mommy and maybe you and your mom could have a "chat"
about the grandparent/parent line (that line can be easily blurred by
gramma). My mother and I had that talk and it was very helpful. She
made a real effort to talk about me during the day, and play me up as
the mommy figure. She only has him 8 hours (if you are full time) out
of 24. You are the one getting up with him at 4am, he knows who his
mommy is and will soon be showing you he knows. Take heart. :)
You may want to suggest to your mom that she have him "ready to go" when
you get there or to start prepping him that "mommy's coming" a few
minutes before you arrive. And everytime you see him you run to him
with arms flung out, drop your bags, scoop him up and give him a big
kiss (whether he wants one or not), then put him down and let him direct
your play for 5 minutes before you leave gramma's house.
Sorry to go on and on, but here's some food for thought anyway. Best of
luck, you are a good mom, I can tell because you are worried about being
loved by the one you love so much.
-- Kelly
My daughter did the exact same thing. I found that it was due to the
transition from one household to the other. Some kids just don't transition
easily. I know its extremely hard to live with right now, but it did end at
around age 2. Hang in there and rememeber that this too shall pass!!!
-- Rosie
My son is only 4 months old, so he's too young to be experiencing this yet;
however, my sister has a 2 1/2 year old son and she did not experience this
with him due in large to Kelly's statement (above). My sister always kept her
son informed from the start that he was going to Beth's (day care provider) to
play with her and the kids, and that Mommy and Daddy go to work, when Mommy
and Daddy would pick him up, etc. He really understands that "this is how it
works". I'll be doing the same with my son when he gets older and keeping my
fingers crossed!
Good luck!
-- Lynn
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