Juggling Workshop
Working Moms' Q & A

The daily tug-of-war between your career and your kids can leave you torn between the two worlds. Where do you turn? The Juggling Workshop! Ask questions and share suggestions about juggling work and family.

This week's question:

-- Jenn

My husband and I both work full time as well and although our daughter is not in elementary school yet, I still sometimes feel the same way as you with her preschool/daycare. What has really made a difference for me was when I befriended her main teacher as well as another mother, whom does not work. I feel I am more 'in the loop' of information now and I feel that my concerns, ideas, and so on are now heard a bit better. For whatever reason, it always seemed as if I was the last to know about parties, fundraisers, changes to the school curriculum and so on, but now I get that information more readily as her teacher, or my new Mom friend try to keep me informed, knowing I work full time.
Perhaps, just for the sake of your family, you could try to befriend one of the other non-working Mom's? Or go straight to the teacher and start to form a more friend like relationship there?
Either way - Good luck and I hope things get better for you.
-- Jenn

I have to agree with Jenn, its great to have a friend who is involved in the schools. You may also want to consider having a heart to heart talk with the teacher to determine what you could contribute to your daughters class. I have noticed parents on weekends planting flowers and cleaning up the school grounds. Perhaps there are things you could do on the weekends that will keep you involved.

Also, please do not take every comment made by the teachers and parents to mean that they are trying to insult you. Perhaps being a class mother involves a time commitment that would be impossible for someone working full time. If you have a flexible schedule and can arrange time off to volunteer, make sure the teachers and parents know it. Most schools are desperate for volunteers, and welcome any parent who is willing to donate their time.
-- Sue

As awful as it is for you to be experiencing these hurdles while you attempt a better connection with your child's life outside your home, it was wonderful for me to hear that I'm not the only one that has this happen!
When my son started the first grade, we had recently moved into the town. I didn't know anyone, but I wanted to be a part of my son's "other" life. I joined the PTA, volunteered to help set up/pass out/ organize/type .. you name it and I tried to help. This was great until the other parents found out I am a single working mom. Suddenly, whenever I tried to help with school activities, all the projects had to be completed before 4:30 in the afternoon. While discussing fund-raising ideas, the PTA members dismissed every idea that could happen on weekends or in the evenings. I tried to point out that not all parents can help during the day, but was told by a few stay-at-home parents "Our lives are very full and we can make time during the day for our children."
Instead of beating myself up over not being accepted into the PTA/helper kinda crowd, I quit taking it all as a personal snub. Some parents are intimidated by people who can juggle work, school, soccer, college, etc... What these same parents don't realize is we wish we could have our lives be a bit more like theirs!
My son's teacher was even a bit stand-offish at first. But, once she realized that I have all the love for my son any parent can have, she has been very supportive (scheduling conferences during lunch or even in the evenings!)
Now, I just make sure to attend the events which my work schedule permits. When I get a volunteer sheet for a field trip 2 days before the trip, I explain to my son that I can't get time off so soon. But, when I get the sheet 2 weeks before, you can bet mine is the first back into the school!

My point is that you shouldn't take it personal. Many times people don't realize parents have to work - especially single parents. This doesn't mean we love our kids any less; if anything it proves we love our kids so much that we're desperately trying to give them a good life and teach them that you must work hard for that good life.
The feud between the full-time working parent and the non-working/part-time working parent will go on for years to come, I'm sure of that. Just try to do what you can to be a part of your child's other life.
Remember - the others parents will probably be the ones throwing the party the majority of the time and, for our children's sake, we must go to their party & say what beautiful decorations were put up (& still grumble to other working moms later that you could've been on that committee, too!) :) Keep your chin up!
--

I'm a stay at home Mom and while I can understand your dilemma, I think you are being too sensitive. The reason your childs teacher wanted someone who doesn't work to be her room Mom is because she needs someone who can be there during the day to help her with special activities. I have had my child in classes where the room Mom works, and the class did no special parties or celebrations because the room Mom couldn't get it organized on top of her work schedule. And she wouldn't let anyone help her with it. It was very frustrating for the teacher and the other parents. While it isn't the end of the world if the class doesn't have a party, the kids really look forward to the special events. If it is something you want to do, be sure and let the teacher know that you are willing to take time off work to be there when she needs you (but only if you truly are willing to do it). The other alternative is to split the job with someone else. You could do the phone work, the other Mom could be there for the event. This will always be a sore spot for both sides and the only other thing I can say is we need to work together for the kids and not let our egos get in the way.
-- Terry

I have had the same reactions at my sons' school. About 90% of the schools mothers are stay-at-home moms. I am not told important things such as a day off from school or that a teacher is leaving until the last minute. The philosophy, there is well the motheres talk with one another they will know. I am also only 26, and my son is in first grade. This causes alot of snobby behavior from the staff and parents. I am constantly asked if I'm his sister, I was once not let into the school because I looked like I was in high school. This stereo typical behavior and working mother outcast stuff has gotten to be a nuicance. I talk to only a few parents they are all also young, working mothers. I feel I am a good mother, I'm involved in all of my sons' activities and he has a strong female role model to look to. I also want to add that I stayed at home for three and a half years with him when he was born and recieved the same prejudice from working mothers. This confused leave it to beaver vs. power mom has gotten old. The only hope is that when my generation begins having children can this attitude can change, we can relate and adapt easier. I'm just sorry to see this war between woman who clearly have the same goal in mind raising your children the best you can and having the life you want for yourself. My motto is if the mother is truly happy so are her children as they learn from example.
-- Jen

This may sound trite,but, don't take it all
so personally.
As a working mother, this happens to me all the time.
Once teachers and administrators see that you are
genuinely concerned or wish to help, they usually
make the time to work with you. There's no
vendetta going on though it often feels that way.
Make friends with other moms (working or non working)
so that they can pass important information
on to you.
Know your limits. Because I work, I have to set
priorities and make choices. It's ok that I can't
be the class mother, but it's not ok if my child
is having difficulty in school.
Then be happy with your choices....school involvement
is not the yardstick for determining if you're a good
mother.
-- andree

Remember that many of the teachers are "working moms" (I am one), and will sympathise with your situation and concern through personal experience. You very likely have an allie in your child's classroom.
-- Sandi

I've been through the problems of being left out of activities because I had to work...although I did make it clear to all my daughter's teachers that there were certain jobs I could do that stay-at-home moms couldn't...bring pizza from town to the party..make copies for flyers for special events..furnish scratch paper and pencils (our advertising of course) from the office. The best thing I ever did was to volunteer to call the class parents if anything happened at the school and they let out early. Last year they had a bomb threat and I was the first Mom to know! I called all the parents from work...my mom picked my daughter up so I didn't need to leave work...I was able to reach every single "working mom" at their number but half of the stay at home moms were somewhere else...not at home or the school. My daughter is older now and wouldn't be caught dead with her mom at a school party! Also, I made a hit with her friends since I offer to take them to events after school or on weekends...when their stay at home moms won't or can't take the time to spend with them. I took one child to the fair who had never been! I do make it a point to take a couple of hours off from work to go to the school for special events at least 3 or 4 times a year...but the school is only 3 miles away. Last year I took flower bulbs and showed her classmates how to plant them...they had a blast and now they all call me the flower lady! I believe the main thing is to stop taking remarks personally..they usually don't mean it the way you are taking it. If your employer won't let you off on occasion to participate in your kids' school activities, you really need to find a better job.
-- Sandra

You can work AND be involved in your child's school life, too. My son goes to a private Christian school where many moms do not work and feel that they shouldn't. Since I work, it is sometimes intimidating, but we all get along fine. I work full-time but was still asked to be a homeroom mom because I said I was willing to make work arrangements. My job is a new one and I haven't accumulated any vacation time yet, but when I interviewed, I made it clear that having an active role in my son's education was of utmost importance to me and that I would need time off occasionally for teacher's meetings and class parties. I still got the job! My son's class has four homeroom moms to ease the burden: one for birthday parties, one for field trips and two (including me) that take care of holiday parties. There are only a handful of holiday parties during the year, so I just save vacation to take a few hours off during those days. All of the planning can take place after hours. It is of course a juggle trying to fit everything in, but it feels good and worth it to me to be able to work and stay involved in my son's school activities.
-- Kerri

I know how you feel I get the same treatment. It seems like they don't care , or they think that they are the only ones that should come and if you can't get off of work that is just to bad. That is not right I think that they should at least have 2 nights for plays. They should at least give you the opportunity to come and chapparone.In me and my husbands case is That one of us works in the eveing and one of us worked at night and we both got off the same days, but none of us could go together their plays or concerts that they had. I agree it is not fair, ;o)
-- Kim

Hey, don't feel guilty! Even though guilt and motherhood seem to be inseparable - we all feel we should do more, be more, and have more, we must be able to STOP! Our partners feel no shame in sitting in front of the telly while we clean, console and work our way around them. We must take time for ourselves and not feel guilty about it.
Have a bath, treat yourself to a book and ignore the kids for a while - our men can do it, so can we.
School is full of people who are very involved in "school", and there is more to life than that. I hope you are able to take some time out for yourself, and when you have had your time, maybe the time you have with your daughter will be what you remember, not the narky comments from parents at her school.
Good luck, and have fun!

-- Lisa

I am a lucky mom who works at home. I am able to stay involved because I can adjust my schedule. I do, however, understand the importance of having a career and bringing in income. In fact I find that being a positive roll model.

I have a question for you and others who feel similarly. Do you also feel misinformed, or not informed at all, about your child's progress and how you might help them at home? Even if they are right at the top of the class it is nice to know how you can keep them excelling instead of getting bored. I find that I can stay informed only because I am able to go the school anytime during the day, ask questions, get homework help etc.
-- sspanos

Attend PTA meetings. Better yet, sign up for a position. Most PTA's have positions to fill. And the meetings are in the evening. How about being an art docent? They make a two-hour commitment once a month. Or commit at least one hour each week to working in your child's classroom. Most employers will allow you to do this. You may have to stay late or skip lunch a day or two but it's worth it. I own a small business in the Sacramento area. Until just last week, I was the only mom who worked in the classroom. I love this time in my son's class. And my son loves me being there. At least for now. An added bonus is you sometimes get the teacher's ear all to yourself; an informal "parent-teacher conference." And my son's teacher is very chatty. When working moms pull their weight at school, it shows a level of commitment that challenges the most pious stay- at-home mom. Make us working moms proud!
-- Tami

I'd like to offer a different perspective. I am a teacher, a mother, and I (obviously) work full-time. Any teacher who would think less of you because you work should take a look at his/her own life. Aren't they also working? As a teacher, I welcome ANY parent who takes an interest. There are plenty of things to do in the school that working parents can help with. I suggest that you talk to the teacher about your willingness to help and that you pray for a more understanding teacher next year. If you don't get good results, you're welcome to help out with my class!

-- Diann

Those parents who thumb their nose at you because you are a working mom don't know what they are missing! I work full-time and have two children and had the same problem you had (six years ago when my oldest began kindergarten). I felt left out of the companionship the stay-at-home mothers felt with each other. I decided to take small steps. I volunteered to serve as a room mother (making phone calls at night, cooking cupcakes, etc) and it worked out fine.

The next year I volunteered to serve on the Teacher Appreciation Committee (I was one of two working moms out of 8) but they met at lunch so I was able to attend.

The more I became involved with committees, getting to know the teachers, etc. the more ALL the moms came to appreciate my help and organizational skills. Being a working mom only helps you - you are a great time manager and an organizational genius!

Last year, I served as the PTA president for my children's school and was elected to serve again next year. The parents (those who work in and outside the home) respect my devotion to my children and their school. I can call them at any time to help me out and I help them out too.

People sometimes doubt that working mothers can do it all, but you can. I am in a stressful (yet flexible in some ways) full-time job as a writer/editor at a large company. My children take piano, play baseball, basketball, and more. They are on the honor roll and attend Sunday School. I volunteer at Chuch as well as my children's school. My children are wonderful and well-adjusted students.

My point is that you can do it. Get involved slowly and let the other moms learn to appreciate what you can bring to the table. Eventually, everyone will value your help and your children will be proud of your involvement.
-- Kelly

I feel the frustration as I am also a full-time working Mom. I volunteer to help teach the art class twice a year. It is frustrating when the "stay at home moms" are notified of a date or time change but the "working moms" aren't notified. So the working moms take off of work and show up for the art class at the wrong time. I have asked everyone to keep all of us informed as it is hard enough to try to get off of work, much less with short notice.

I try to keep a good communication line with the teachers. Sometimes it can be difficult because the "stay at home moms" seem to know everything that is going on while us "working moms" are left out of the loop.

It's kind of like a small war - who is the better provider? Who is the better mom? I hate the comments from stay at home moms who say, "Oh you work? That's too bad!" I really like working but get put down sometimes.
-- Laura

Cathy, I am only 18. However, I know how it is to be a working mother because my older sister is. She has one son, and will be giving birth to her next son this week. I would just like to say, yes I am a feminist. But, no matter if I was one or not, I would say that any woman, or man, looking down on you because you work, should take a serious look at life. Women and men should share equal roles in society, which means women should be able to work just as men do. Women who feel that their husbands should work and that they (the women) should always stay at home to take care of their children obviously do not feel equal with their husbands. Times have changed, and women need to look at life differently then they did years ago. Every time working women are treated lower because they work, women's desire for equality go one huge step back. I applaude any women who work (full-time or part-time) and have children as well. Sincerely, Victoria
-- Victoria

I would just like to say that although I am not a mother, this story makes me sick. A "good" mother has nothing to do with whether she is stay-at-home or working. A good mother is one who spends quality time with her children and devotes her life to their lives. My mother and father both worked full-time, and I never had any consequences from this. They are my best friends, and they have raised three loving, responsible, mature adults who did not have mom always there 24 hours a day to rescue them from irresponsibility. People who look down on working mothers have no idea what it is like to want to raise wonderful children while at the same time desiring to benefit society in certain ways. Their husbands do, though. I applaud this woman for having goals for herself, as well as being a good mother. Women need to realize that they are not only put on earth to serve everyone else's needs- they are individuals who need personal satisfaction in life. For some, this is exclusively their children. Other women have multiple goals. No one should look down on them for anything.
-- Melanie

I am surprised that many people in this forum expect you to "stop being sensitive." Maybe these stay-at-home mothers shouldn't be treating you this way. It sounds as if you are doing great at trying to be involved in your child's life.

There is this stereotype that if you truly loved your child you would stay home. Its baloney. Plain and Simple. Instead of a call for you to "stop being sensitive," or a call for you to reach out, I appeal to all stay-at-home mothers who are guilty of this attitude to get off their high horse. I know the stats, I know their arguments, but nothing justifies the demoralization of another human being.
-- Janene

My daughter is only two. However, I work full-time, and I'm studying toward a Master's Degree. Although I had planned to finish the degree before having children, life had other plans. I find it difficult to juggle everything sometimes. I even feel guilty about it, but financially I have to work and intellectually part of me wants to work. As for school, I am on the eight year program, but only have six classes left. I'm too far into it to quit. I am concerned about my ability to be active in my daughter's life in respect to class mom and PTA. I can only hope that I don't encounter these challenges because I plan to go on class trips and attend parties and bake cupcakes, etc.


-- Lisa

Start out as a parent volunteer. I started out as a parent volunteer and ended up with a job. Most teachers needs classroom parents. They will need parents to cone an help out with parties, or pur together programs etc. If you can not be at every PTA meeting or school event most teachers will have things that you can do from home like make calls to other parents, help provide transportation for those who cannot attend etc. Just check with your child's teacher and he/she will be more than happy to tell you anything you want or suggest ways that you can help.

-- Connie

The solution is network, network, network. Ask your child's teacher, principal and school secretary for help. Swap e-mail addresses and find out what is going on in the classroom, homework assignments, upcoming field trips, school programs, etc. Keep your e-mail messages and phone calls brief and to the point. These people are busy and no doubt are working parents as well. They will appreciate your professional yet friendly approach to staying on top of your child's school life. I have 3 children and my husband and I have always worked full-time. My oldest is now 16 years old and my youngest is in 1st grade. For the past 10 years I have dealt with the stay-at-home mothers that try to "run" the school. Years ago I decided to keep it friendly with the "helicopter moms" but find my own solution to keeping up with my child's school life. Once I started contacting the teacher and school secretary to keep up with school events, I didn't feel like an outsider anymore. Other working mothers are quite helpful as well. They understand the problems and time contraints working mothers deal with daily. Don't let the comments get you down - it gives me great satisfaction to see my oldest child maturing into a responsible, well adjusted adult despite the fact I never chaperoned a field trip!
-- Kate

I am about to become a parent of an elementary age child via adoption. Obviously, I want to be involved in our child's life, and I have thought about this a lot, especially since my mom didn't work when I was growing up. The reality of the situation is this: except for single moms, many working mothers don't absolutely have to work - we choose to do so. In addition to other general career benefits (like a sense of accomplishment or making a difference in the lives of those we serve), our jobs provide additional income that we frequently use to better the lives of our children. In my case, my job provides regular income (my husband is self-employed) and lower cost health insurance benefits. Could we manage on one income? It would be tough, but certainly not impossible. The point is, if we choose to work full-time, we also choose to let stay-home moms take the leadership roles in our children's classrooms, etc. You can't have both. But why not do as others have suggested and hook up with stay-home moms so our kids can have the best of both worlds? While they can participate as homeroom moms, etc., who better than us to talk to kids about career options? Or to take kids on the occasional field trip to a place either our jobs or incomes can provide? Remember, there is plenty of love to go around from all moms. Let's not get competitive - it's OK for other moms to love the kids when we're at work, and we can love and participate with the kids' education in other special ways!
-- Linda

Thank You! Reading your comments has really helped me understand my situation better. I had the opportunity to be a "stay at home Mom" for a summer & the beginning part of the year when my son started kindergarden. I loved it & so did he! I volunteered in his class every other day if not more & went on the field trips & to holiday programs, etc. I was in the "information loop" & got along with all of the other mothers beautifully. I started working full time not too long after that & have been feeling more & more like an outsider myself. It's not a very good feeling & I can certainly understand both sides of the story. Even though my husband & I work full time we are VERY involved in our childrens lives. Just because we can't be at school every minute & practically "breath the air" for our kids so-to-speak, doesn't mean we're dead beat parents. Give us a break guys! Do you know what we go through? We're always non-stop & on the go go go! We have to get up bright & early to get ourselves ready to go to work, iron suits, school uniforms, etc. (don't want the "stay at home mom's talking about how our kids clothes look like they've been slept in") (I remember those conversations when I was a stay at home mom about other moms) drop kids off at school, go to work all day & try to think clearly because you were up half the night helping kids with projects, homework, helping them with reading, a family game, family movie, oversee computer & internet time, bathing, baking cakes or cookies for a party, cleaning, dishes, cooking, etc, etc, etc. Come on do I really have to get in to it all, you know how it is! There aren't enough hours in the day to to everything. Our kids are also involved in a few other activites outside of school and those require our help, support & attendence & time off work as well. Not to mention Sunday school, family vacations & kite flying on the weekends. So don't assume just because we haven't been on the last 2 field trips or award ceremonies that we are not involved or consider these things important because we do! We just have to juggle & prioritize things alot or save our leave time for something else coming up. Some of us are involved more than you may know if not more than you are so don't be so judgemental of us working Mom's. You know we have to work in between all the fun to pay for the roof over our heads & all of these fun things we like to do, a vehicle to get them from point A to point B just to name a few. We weren't born rich & I didn't marry a man who's wealthy enough so that I could be a stay at home mom. You know what though? My kids are going to grow up to be self sufficient human beings with outstanding work ethics that are absolutely neccessary to funtion in the "real world". They will clearly understand that Mommy & Daddy aren't always going be there to "breath for them" & will be able to function just fine on their own. They know they are loved very much & are well provided for. They know what we do for them and that means a whole lot more to me than what some other faceless mother thinks of me. Things they say & looks they give can be very hurtful sometimes I know. We tend to worry about how we're viewed in society. I worry about it myself too but we can't do everything. We can't be everywhere all at once. It's even harder with 2 kids. All we can do is try. Trial & error is how we learn to better ourselves & the lives of our kids. Just remember your not alone. Thanks to this web site I now know that I'm not alone either. Let's just continue to support one another & be strong for the sake of our sanity & for the sake of our kids. oh and just one more thing, I had an idea a while back that I'm going to propose to the school & classrooms that might help us all keep the lines of communication open. I want to set up a free account with "groups@aol" so that the room mothers, working mothers & teachers can keep eachother better informed about what's going on in the classroom. This would be a great place to get help with homework, organize parties, answer field trip questions, ect. It would be a postive productive way to communicate & stay involved in your childs education.
-- SQ

I want to thank all of you for making me feel a little better about my situation! I am a working mom. I don't work because I want a career (I'd much rather be home!), I work because my husband is self employed, doesn't make a bunch on $$$, and we need the benefits (insurance, 401(k), etc.) My son is just 4 years old and not in elementary school yet, so I don't necessarily deal with many of the problems you mention. But I feel so much more prepared! Thank you for your wonderful, supportive tips. My situation now is more along the lines of feeling out of touch with other mothers because I am not at home during the day and neither is my son. So we don't have the opportunity to make connections with other kids in the neighborhood. It's also very frustrating to read about children's events/programs that I would love to enjoy with my son, not to mention support groups for moms that I would love to join, just to find out that they only happen during the day on a week day. But I am encouraged by the comments from you working mothers with well adjusted older children. Maybe now I can free myself of some of this guilt.
-- Ruth

Hello, I'm a full time working mom and my kids are right now in the kindergarten (being a first grader from September onwards) and a 2nd grader.
From the first year of my daughter joining school I was elected to be the chairman of the parents of her class and the chairman of the school parents. I volunteered to do this jobs because all the meetings are evening meetings, so I can attend them, and it assures that I stay in touch with the school. Furthermore it assures that I know way ahead if some volunteer work is coming up, so I can plan a vacation day at that day or send my mother in law to represent 'our' family. I'm very happy that the co-representative of our class parents is a stay at home mom, so we can share a lot of the tasks. She hates doing organizational stuff and lead meetings, and I can rely on her about the interactions with the other moms. But I try to interact with other moms of the class at least once in a month. Therefor we set up a informal parents meeting at a beergarden, ... to have a drink (mostly water or beer) together and have some talkings.
Because, honestly, without the stay at home moms a lot of the needed tasks wouldn't get performed.
Mostly it is necessary that the help of the parents will be during school hours, so that makes it difficult to help out for working parents. I try my best to take time off from work during that time, but I have to know it in advance and even then something might come in between (but then my mother in law can jump in). Astonishingly even at times when working parents could help, most of them don't volunteer to do so. But that is valid even for non working moms, there are enough who don't volenteer either. We have the meetings for the parents at 20:00, and I sent the invitations incl. topics to cover out way ahead, I even sent out a summary of the evening after the meeting to all parents, they all get a reminder before anything is due, but most of them don't even read it. When I come home after work, I always crosscheck with my daughter if anything is due or if there are new informations from school, but others just don't seem to care (Both: working and non-working). So try your best to get involved because it helps you too to stay in touch, don't pull yourself back, your kids will stay quite a long time in school and if you want to stay in touch during that time you have to do it. Be stubborn!!!!!
(Sorry if the grammar and spelling doesn't fit always, but I'm German)

-- Silke

I know how you feel. I work 9-5 and everything either starts a 5 or ends at 5. Or starts at 4. For example My kids have early release on wed. the youngest goes to a sitter but the oldest has football. He gets out at 2 and has practice at 4 now how is he suppose to get to practice when me or my husband don't get home until after 5? And he can't hang out at the school. Thank god he has a buddy that lives 2 houses down from the school. and they have all their football games on Wed nite at 5 of course the schoolsthey play at are hour away. Beleive me I am going to the first PTA meeting for both of my kids. I feel like I'm being punished for having a job.
-- Missy

I am a mother of four children, ages 21, 19, 17, and 15. I stand very firmly in believing that a mother should do whatever it takes to stay at home with her kids. If a woman wants a career, don't have kids, and if you have kids, no career until they are grown and out of the home. That is what is going wrong with this nation, Mom is NOT there. I understand some women have to work, but I blame that on the government. Women should be supported and even encouraged to stay at home with their children. If you ask a little child in daycare or at a babysitters what they want, they will almost always say "Mommy". It breaks my heart. I will NEVER EVER regret staying at home with my kids. In 1996 had to go on welfare after my divorce, and then the government stepped in and decided that my job as a mother was not a job, (but they were willing to pay a stranger to do it, it was a job for someone else to do, but not for me?) and forced me to work. I HATED the government for it, forcing me to leave my kids!! They had no right!! My kids needed me, and still do. I got remarried, and now I can stay at home again. I absolutely hated being away from home when I did have to work for a few months. I don't even have health insurance, the government put a stop to that. We live in a two bedroom trailer, and have one car (used of course), and sometimes it seems like we are not going to make it, but I would not trade it for a beautiful home that requires working full time for anything! My boys are adults now, and they have told me how glad they are that I was always there. My girls will end up telling me the same thing, guaranteed. Do what you have to do to stay at home with your kids. They WILL be gone from you someday, and then you can do what ever you want, and you will be glad you were always there with them. Caring for children is NOT just a financial responsibility. Moms owe their time to their kids, not to a out of home job. I don't care what anyone says, IF YOU ARE NOT WITH YOUR CHILD(REN), YOU ARE NOT PARENTING THEM! And children need PARENTING 24 hours a day.
-- Deanna

I bet there are others that are feeling left out because they work, and it doesn't have to be that way. I'd suggest offering to help out at school events that are scheduled on weekends of evenings (for example, arrange a speaker for parent education - I bet the Parents Association would welcome the help. Go to as many school events as you can, and introduce yourself to other parents who are there. You are not alone. I returned to work when my son (now 11) was 5 1/2 weeks old, but have managed to be involved since he was in preschool. You can volunteer to serve on boards if your child is in private school, talk to the school about the teacher's attitude that you can't be a room parent (you can!). My goal as Parents Association President this year of my son's school is to be inclusive of other working parents. We have early morning meetings, end on time (once a month I use some vacation time to be a little late for work) and we schedule two meetings per year in the evening. I bet your school could undertake some strategies to be more inclusive as well. Oh yes, I also travel almost 100 days a year. So you CAN be an involved parent and don't think you can't.
-- Rosi

Hi Cathy,
This problem must cross continents because I get the same thing happening here in Adelaide Australia. I am a part-time working mother of three boys aged 6 1/2, 5 and 3. I am a doctor in general practice and have some flexibility in my work times. I try to get to things if they are scheduled first thing in the morning or last thing in the school day. I continue to feed this back to the school but have no real evidence that they take any notice. One more frustration before my "constructive feedback" and that is trying to catch the teacher for a quick word at drop off or pick up can be a frustration because she is invariably surrounded by the same mothers every day. Any way, the constructive part. Be confident to offer what services you can do. I sew and that seems to be a dying craft in my community and often have things to take home from the preschool and occassionally from the school (especially when a drama production is coming up). I also went to the resource centre (library) and offered and take home books for repair and covering. I still get the occassional: why cant I help at the canteen? or supervise at the excursion? from my children, but I do point out to them that it is even more valuable to do things behind the scene than be the one in the limelight.
Dragica
-- Dragica

To Deanna,

Please read Melanie's comments above. She is a child of working parents. I too am a child of parants. As a matter of fact, both my parents worked full-time my entire life. I am proud of my parents achievements as parents and as contributing members of society. They raised 3 children, all college graduates, all contributing members of society. I have lived in 2 other countries during my studies and if you think the U.S. government is aweful - leave the U.S. You would last about 1 day in any other country. Other countries do not "give" you housing, food, and healthcare. Be grateful our government supported you for as long as it has.
-- Krissie

I'd like to offer the flip side to this. I work at home and am VERY active in my child's school. I'm very involved yet am snubbed by the 'working moms' who view my at-home job as not a 'real' job. I've also had problems contacting these parents to help with class. They can never help out with parties or send a dozen cookies for parties, etc. Not all working moms are this way but I've certainly seen a lot of them. Their arrogant attitude is why a lot of at-home moms no longer include them in school activities. My husband is a teacher and it is amazing how many of these same 'working moms' look down at him because he is ONLY a teacher. Go figure.

-- k

I have a question for the mothers that are always at the school helping out. When I take a "vacation" day from work and help out at the school, why do you ask me if I took a "vacation" day or took a day "off"? When I reply yes, you then go on about how you never get "vacation" days or days "off". Let me explain myself: I too am a mother and therefore I don't actually get a "vacation" day, I'm simply taking a day off from my paying job and doing something with my child today which means I'm doing what you do everyday. So with that in mind: are you always on vacation then?
- wondering
--

To Deanna,
You say that if you are not with your children, you are not parenting them? Didn't your children go to school? Isn't your 21 year old alittle old to be considered a child that needs his/her mother 24/7? You need to get some outside interests and realize your children need lives that don't involve you 24/7.

WOW
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