Juggling Workshop
Working Moms' Q & A

The daily tug-of-war between your career and your kids can leave you torn between the two worlds. Where do you turn? The Juggling Workshop! Ask questions and share suggestions about juggling work and family.

This week's question:

I also have a 3 y/o boy that I used to tell the "daddy's working" lie to. I decided to make my ex-husband tell him why. I make my ex call and tell my son, not me, that he is not coming. A week ago my ex has tried to weasle out of it and just did not show up or call. When my son asked about daddy, I told him that mommy did not know and that he could ask daddy. I called for him and let him ask his dad why he was not there. My ex said he never felt so bad in his life than he did trying to explain to his absence to his own son.
-- Laura

Hi sweetie. I'm there right were you are. I can relate.I know that it's hard for both you and your babies.I'm lucky and thankful for my son's "DADDY" he is my best friend.but my daughter's father is NOT an active parent. She is three and a half months old.He has only held her about five or maybe six times. He doesn't offer to help financially so I don't ask.The only thing that has helped me is my family the lord and my BEST FRIEND.What ever you do, do not lie to your kids,don't stoop to his level.You are in my prayers and thoughts.
-- April

Jennifer, I also have the same problem with my sons father and he is now 4 years old. I let my son call his father when he asks me why he can't see his father, and I let him ask his father the when and why's. This has taken the responsibilty and guilt of lying to him about his father being at work away from me and placed it back on his dad. He is already beginning to realize the games his father plays without me having to say anything negative about him.
-- shelli

HI....

I think you have to protect your daughter from her
insensitive father. I am also in the same boat,
my son's dad takes him once a month as he works 3rd
shift. He takes him when its convenient for him!
Has not made a baseball game in three years!
I know its hard, but you have to accept him the
way he is. The children will form their own
opinions of their parents when they are older.
All they need to know is that Mom and Dad love
them! Your right not to poison their minds with
negative feelings regarding their Dad. My
parents divorced when I was 12 and it bothered me
when my Mom spoke negatively of my Dad. You will
be rewarded when your children are grown, as you
will be remembered for being there! :)
-- Taylor

I HAVE THREE KIDS; AGES 9,6,&4. MY EX TAKES OUR PROBLEMS OUT ON MY CHILDREN. IF HIS CHILD SUPPORT INCREASES, MY KIDS SUFFER BECAUSE HE THINKS I HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT. HE CALLS MY OLDEST DAUGHTER AND TELLS HER HE'S GOING TO PICK HER UP AND DO SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST THE TWO OF THEM. WELL THE DAY COMES AND GOES WITH NOT EVEN A PHONE CALL, AND I WATCH MY DAUGHTER'S WORLD CRASH AROUND HER AS SHE BECOMES DISTANT WITH THE REST OF HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS. SOMETIMES, I THINK THAT MY CHILDREN ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM IN THEIR LIVES, THEY ARE SO CONFUSED. ONE DAY THEIR FATHER WILL REALIZE WHAT HE MISSED OUT ON AND BY THAT TIME IT WILL BE TOO LATE. MY KIDS KNOW THAT I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM AND THAT'S ALL THEY NEED.
-- TRACY

I agree with Taylor. There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing the disappointed look in your child's face, but it is worse for your children to see that their father doesn't have time for them. Never speak negatively about your ex. They will find out how self centered he is when they are old enough to understand that it's not their fault that their father can't make time for them. I had alot of negativity in my life during my childhood days. I don't have very many fond memories of those times. Protect your child from that. Let them feel safe and secure; and if it means that their daddy is "working", so be it. Pray that their father will change for the better before they are old enough to see that he doesn't care.
-- Lisa

Jennifer,

Girl, I'm feeling your pain. My husband and I have been separated for a year now, and in that time, he's put off coming to see my two beautiful children the entire time. My 3-year old son told my 2-year old daughter, "Daddy's working. He's too busy to come see you." My son is afraid that I won't come home from work now to get him. I'm mad at myself for ever telling the "Daddy's at work" lie. Now, I tell my children that Daddy doesn't live with us anymore, but he still loves them. Bri
-- Bri

Hey I feel all of you guys reading these replys is like my life I too would tell my son that his dad was at work but then he got to the point that if I were to say I was going to school or work he would scream. NOW Christmas has came and gone so that my son would feel special we bought his dad and wife(girlfriend during my marriage) presents his dad of course missed Christmas and when I asked his wife why he was not going to see his daddy she said I made it that way all not true even though I know we are not to bad mouth their sperm donors it makes it hard when they blame it on you
-- krystal

I am a single mother of two girls. My eldest childs father spent alot of time with our daughter until he met and married. At that time she was about 5 years old. His visits became less and less frequent. He and his wife had their own children. She is now 11 years old and sees her "real" father about twice to three times a year. He lives approximately 3 hours away.

My advice to you is this.. no matter what you say or do please be prepared to help your child deal with the pain and disappointment she will feel towards her father. However, do not talk badly about him in her presence, even when you are upset with him.

Be honest about why he can not come and if he does not provide a reason, pick up the phone and talk to the man!

You have to do what is best for your child, and if spending more time with her father is best... be proactive.

I have confronted my eldest childs father many times and repeatedly told him that she wants his love and attention. I told him to not schedule visits and then not show up, it is hurtful to her.

This made my childs father and my child be more realistic and honest about their relationship. He does not call her often but then again, he admitted to her that he does not talk alot on the phone and the conversations are uncomfortable for him. He explained things in his life and helped her understand his issues.

You may be surpised at how this can help your relationship with him and your child.

Leaving on a positive note, my youngest child's father is the ex-husband of everyone's dreams. He pays his child support, he takes them on vacations, he consults me for advice and I do the same with him. He is a wonderful father to BOTH of my children, and is one of my best friends.

Best of luck!
-- Carol

I am a single mother of two girls. My eldest childs father spent alot of time with our daughter until he met and married. At that time she was about 5 years old. His visits became less and less frequent. He and his wife had their own children. She is now 11 years old and sees her "real" father about twice to three times a year. He lives approximately 3 hours away.

My advice to you is this.. no matter what you say or do please be prepared to help your child deal with the pain and disappointment she will feel towards her father. However, do not talk badly about him in her presence, even when you are upset with him.

Be honest about why he can not come and if he does not provide a reason, pick up the phone and talk to the man!

You have to do what is best for your child, and if spending more time with her father is best... be proactive.

I have confronted my eldest childs father many times and repeatedly told him that she wants his love and attention. I told him to not schedule visits and then not show up, it is hurtful to her.

This made my childs father and my child be more realistic and honest about their relationship. He does not call her often but then again, he admitted to her that he does not talk alot on the phone and the conversations are uncomfortable for him. He explained things in his life and helped her understand his issues.

You may be surpised at how this can help your relationship with him and your child.

Leaving on a positive note, my youngest child's father is the ex-husband of everyone's dreams. He pays his child support, he takes them on vacations, he consults me for advice and I do the same with him. He is a wonderful father to BOTH of my children, and is one of my best friends.

Best of luck!
-- Carol

You tell them "Mommy made a stupid, bad choice for your daddy. She thought love was enough to make a family. She was wrong. Her choice not only caused her pain, but brought pain and sadness to two innocent kids too. If you don't want your own children to suffer as you have suffered, please don't follow Mommy's example. Only have sex with your husband, don't shack up, and don't marry someone just because you are in love. Look for a man with character and be a person of character so that you can one day deserve him." That's what you tell your daughter, Cathy.
--

I had no idea there were so many women in the same situation I was with the "Father of Convience"
I also have two children in which their father cancels alot or rearranges visitation in the last hour. I try hard not to comment on his actions in a negative way and also let him be the one who tell them he is not coming or I let the children call him to ask why.
I do have one other inner conflict that I am still not sure how to resolve. Although I know how important it is for my children to have a relationship with their father, I find myself hoping he will cancel and eventually not be a part of their life, mostly because I resent him for leaving and breaking promises. Then I find myself looking forward to the weekend he is supposed to have the children so I can have a break. Then I feel guilty for both feelings.
Then there is always the resentment I feel when I am the one providing all the disapline and structure for my children and when they get mad at me, it is always "I want my Daddy". And I feel angry and frustrated. I have been told it will all work out as the children grow up and see him for what he really is and how much I have provided for them, But it sure can be hard when my 4 year old son is throwing a fit and my 6 year old daughter is struggling with her homework and I am trying to fix dinner, do laundry, grade my papers from work and remember to go to the store for apple to send with my son for the Easter party tomorrow.

-- Barbara

My four-year-old daughter hasn't seen her father in two months. He was constantly "merfing" when he told me he was coming to see her. Therefore, I enforced a rule that he would not be able to tell her that he had plans to see her until 15 minutes before he would be at our house to see her. This way, his good intentions follow through and she is not let down by waiting for days or hours for him to not show. The only time I agree to allow him to tell her they will see each other is when he calls 15 minutes before the meeting. I have found this to help immensely.
I also believe that allowing the child to call the father and making HIM relay the bad news of why he didn't show is a great idea. Us single moms have enough to worry about with our children growing up and wishing the one who disciplines them all the time wasn't the one they had to live with. The kids will always want to go and be with the parent who never had to tell them "no" or ground them. We all know who that would be...the deadbeat father.
-- Dina

I can only say I have felt all of the frustrations that everyone has written about... as a single mom to a 12, 10 and 7 year old with a Dad who I know loves his kids but is also a convenience Dad. It shows a bit more when your doing it alone - when they are physically there in the house the kids felt that he was there for them... making excuses I did also - but as someone else wrote - its time they have to explain their own decisioins to their kids. I will not speak negatively about their father, however I will not lie for him either... His choices are his and the children will form their own opinions. Unfortunately its hard to watch the kids wish so hard to find the "Daddy" they always wanted but is in reality there only when he wants or it works for him... My advise - is back off and dont put so much energy into what the Dad is NOT DOING - but put more into your time with your kids... our time with them is precious - dont waste it on conversations with them about something we can not control.


-- Mary

I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone. My 1 year old saw her father once. He says he doesn't want to be involved. He is paying child support luckily. I dread the day when I have to explain to her that he was married (I didn't know at the time) divorced twice and decided that he didn't have time in his schedule to love her. Hell to even like or give a shit about her. He hurts me so.

I don't date. I don't go anywhere to meet anyone. In fact I live rather like a hermit these days. I can't possibly be involved with anyone until I get passed this. I would love to find her a daddy but I have a feeling that they are all the same. I have had 4 married men suggest sexual ideas to me. They wanna have "FUN" they say. I don't of course.

It is amazing how you automatically become a whore these days if you have a child with someone who realizes that they are just too old for that type of responsibility. He is 38. What a crock! I am not a sleazy person just because the person I loved didn't know the meaning of the word. The soliciting of such ideas makes me feel really low. Because I am lonely and without a man..I suddendly need it and want any ole thing that walks into the room. I THINK NOT.

Forgive me for spouting off. Upset in Corning, New York

I hate MEN!
-- Shana

I, too, am a single mom of a beautiful 4 year old daughter. I have had difficulty with her father from the very start and feel completely alone in raising her. He is going on 2 years of unemployment off and on again. He is in a re-education program with NAFTA and collecting just enough to pay rent for a one bedroom space at a friend's house. I am recieving $35 dollars each week for child support, but only if he is attending school. I divorced him, but have shared custody. He is unable to have her in his dwelling overnights because he doesn't have a room for her to sleep alone in. This was my stipulation. There is no evidence that he is able to succeed at much besides using the system. I have had to explain many times to his daughter 'why daddy did not come over to spend some time with her' I allow her to make the call and ask him herself. I do not think this is abusing her relationship with her father at all. I have come to accept that her dad will always be 'mister fun guy'. I know that she will appreciate the love, attention and care that she has recieved from me. Regardless of my feelings about her father, she will always have a trusted parent in me without concern about our relationship. She deserves so much more and I will see to it that she gets it all (:
-- shari

Maybe I can help. I've been dealing with a convenience father of my three children (14, 11, and 9) for six years now (not including the years we were married when I didn't notice how events he chose to attend were those that fit into his schedule, and I covered the rest). I don't think the more devoted parent should verbally bash the other parent, but I also don't believe the devoted parent should remain silent in her frustration. Isn't this condoning the behavior? I want my sons to think about what kind of father they want to be, and I want my daughter to think about what kind of father she wants for her children. I encourage them to vent their frustrations about their father, and I concur with the source of their pain, vocally. I let my children know when I am upset with their father for letting them down. I refuse to condone his behavior in any way. They have cried to me on numerous occasions about him not being at one event or another. For a long time, I tried to protect them by getting him to come. Then I decided to focus on my relationship with my children. It is built on honesty, love and sacrifice, among all of us. They love their father, but when they are excited about something, or they accomplish something great, or they're upset about something, they don't think to call him. They come to me. And no matter how much more money he makes, or how many more things he has than we do, the kids and I have each other. And the more that time goes by, the more I realize that I have everything and he has nothing.
-- Mary

Hi,
I too am a single mom with 2 beautiful girls, 12 and 7. They have a very caring daddy. He takes them every other weekend and he calls them every night before bedtime,he even helps with homework. But it was not always that way. When we lived together he was a "Convenience Dad" He even missed birthdays because he had somewhere else to be. Little did I know he was with someone else. One time my oldest daughter told me she believes he had another woman. That shocked me and hurt me to have her hurting too. That's when I decided I had to leave him. Its really tough because I wanted to raise my kids with their dad but it didn't turn out that way. We are friends now, which we both agree its best for our kids. If only he would get a job, everything would be better he knows having kids in Catholic School is not cheap.
-- Eve

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