A Common Sense Guide for Moms

by Fern Kupfer

I'VE BEEN HAVING reflective conversations with my mother about our relationship. Alone now, she lives far away and her health is fragile. I visit as often as I can, send books and homemade biscotti; we talk on the phone almost every day. And always she tells me how much she loves me and what a good daughter I am. "How did I do it?" she asks, pretending that the raising of a dutiful daughter is a mystery to her like the spawning of a scientific genius or a music prodigy. "How did I get such a girl?"

"You were a good mother," I tell her.

"Aw," she dismisses me. "I basically left you alone."

In some ways, she did. I was free to have my own friends, wear whatever I wanted; I was encouraged to read what I wanted and form my own opinions. "No, Ma," I tell her. "You left me alone to make my own decisions, but you were always interested in anything I did. You were a very good mother."

My mother relents: "Well, maybe I was a good mother." She adds, "But I really didn't know what I was doing."

How did my mom know how to be a good mother? Well, she had her own mother as a model, an immigrant woman with no education, but a truckload of common sense. My mother was also lucky enough to have had a loving and enduring marriage. She had Dr. Spock. Wrongly maligned as the guru for raising a generation - mine - who came of age as the spoiled, directionless flower children of the '60s, Dr. Spock actually gives very sound child-rearing advice. His basic message is that new mothers should listen to their own instincts. Babies - goggle-eyed and chubby-cheeked - were made adorable for a reason: so their mothers would pick them up, even at 3 in the morning - and fall in love with them. Stop worrying so much, Dr. Spock advises.

Still, today's young women are most literate and serious about doing the job right. There's probably a whole aisle at Barnes & Noble that directs a woman looking for answers. There's a book to read, from the first months of life until the kid drives off in your car.

But the guidelines for good mothering would fill only a pamphlet at best. And despite my mother's protest that she didn't know what she was doing, most of them come basically from self-confidence and common sense. You can probably add your own, but here's my top 10:

1. Don't ever hit, belittle or name-call a child. If you do, say you're sorry. Then forgive yourself.
2. Read to your children. Every day. Every day until they learn to read and tell you to stop. Read to them occasionally even after that.
3. It doesn't matter if you define your household as "strict" or "lenient," some consistency is necessary. Consistency helps a child make sense of the world by knowing what to expect. The rules you decide are important are the ones that need to be followed.
4. Don't issue empty threats. Think before you speak out of anger. If you ground a teenager for a month, be prepared to have his or her sullen self hanging around the house.
5. Help your child figure out who he or she is, irrespective of the person you want him to be. Love him for it. Or at least try.
6. Patience is not always a virtue. Sometimes children nag, whine or carry on beyond all reasonable boundaries. Better to quell early than late. You are not doing a child a favor by giving your patient attention to obnoxious behavior.
7. You're the boss. Some parents with gentle dispositions and democratic ideals have trouble with this one, but being the boss doesn't mean you're a tyrant. You can listen to children, you can argue and you can even be persuaded. But the bottom line is: You make the decisions. Constant negotiations are for labor disputes, not functional families. Kids feel secure knowing that someone is in charge.
8. On the other hand . . . children should be encouraged to make as many decisions about their own lives as possible. Children develop self-confidence by being able to have a say in their world and an overbearing parent can do too much. Censoring behaviors should be limited to issues of health and welfare.
9. Remember the expression: "This too shall pass." Infant colic gives way to toddler tantrums and school anxiety and . . . well, by the time you have teenagers, everything that passed before might seem like a piece of cake. Eventually most children leave home. They can only return if you let them.
10. Show moral and spiritual guidance by living in a way that is generous, honest and compassionate. Don't lie or cheat or behave in any way that would make you ashamed in front of your children.

After I finished this list, I called my mother to ask if she had any to offer. No, she thought that was a very fine list indeed. She said: "You are so smart. How did you get to be such a smart girl?"

Add No. 11: In every way you can, make your child feel bright and special - and do it for at least 50 years.

Fern Kupfer is a novelist and writing professor at Iowa State University. She is a frequent contributor to Working Moms' Internet Refuge.

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