Practical Parenting

Do You Have That Bikini-Hating Feeling?

by Liza N. Burby

Privacy is not something I get a lot of, so it was not unusual for my daughters to watch me change my clothes the other day. What was unusual was their conversation, which went something like this: Danielle, age 9, "Mom, you look so skinny." Five-year-old Laura, "Yeah, but she has parts that jiggle."

I laughed and changed the topic. But this summer I'm not bothered because even my parts that jiggle will be wearing a size 6 bikini, something they haven't done since before Danielle was born. More important, I feel energetic and healthy, which can be quite a feat for a busy mom.

However, my story was very different a year ago when I weighed 23 pounds more and felt weary all the time. For many of us, taking care of our bodies falls low on our list of priorities once we have children and I was no exception. I knew all about how well my children should eat and made sure they had three squares and plenty of healthy snacks. I, on the other hand, would often skip breakfast, grab high-calorie snacks throughout the day, and otherwise ignore my own nutritional needs. And forget exercise. With two kids, a husband, home, full freelance career and numerous volunteer activities, I never had time to do more than glance at an exercise video.

But then I started to worry about the message I was passing on to my daughters, that my body wasn't important enough to take care of; that my needs don't matter. In a society in which 8 million people have eating disorders, 90 percent of whom are female, it wasn't a message I wanted them to own. Besides, bathing suit weather had arrived and I felt the effects of neglecting my body, namely in the form of lost stamina. My situation is a common one and it has nothing to do with ignorance of health matters. In fact, Chris Corcoran, manager of community affairs for Weight Watchers International in New York, says that while women as a whole are educated about a healthy lifestyle and want to commit to it, we don't feel we have the time to do anything about it. Incidentally, Weight Watchers group membership is 90 percent female, 80 percent of whom are moms with the average age of late 30s to early 40s the group most likely to have young children to keep us hopping.

Nevertheless, eating well and getting exercise are two gifts we can give our bodies, and that communication to our children is a crucial one. It tells them that taking care of our health is important. This does not mean moms should go on fad diets to fit into a bikini. That would be a harmful response both for your children to observe and for your own health. Yet, eating a well-balanced, low-fat, high-fiber diet, which can include your favorite treats, can be a lifestyle change for your entire family. Moreover, exercising a minimum of 30 minutes a day, three times a week is not only easier to do than you may think, it quickly becomes a way of life. Getting in the exercise mode was hard for me at first, but I finally put the tape into the VCR. While I could barely handle a 30-minute aerobics routine the first couple of weeks, within a month I had worked up to an hour five days a week. I've kept it going for over a year and now I can't imagine not having it be part of my routine.

You'll have to problem-solve to find the time that works best for you. Maybe you can go for a run before your partner leaves for work so he can watch the kids. If you prefer daytime, use your lunch hour for at least a brisk walk. I like to exercise right after I put my daughters to bed, and my husband usually joins me, giving us some fun quality time together.

The key to all of this is to set short-term goals. Rather than tell yourself you have to lose 20 pounds, which can feel overwhelming, make your first goal five pounds or increased energy through exercise.

Remember, too, it doesn't matter what you look like in your bathing suit--no matter what your 5-year-old says. What is important is that you've begun to find ways to take care of you.

CAVEAT. While the current thinking, according to Weight Watchers, is that nursing moms can begin a weight-loss plan, you will need to restrict yourself to losing no more than a half pound a week for optimum health. But check with your obstetrician before beginning any program.

NO MORE PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS. No more driving kids from one after-school activity to another. Summer vacation is in the air and it's a big relief to many over-extended parents. But before you catch your breath, there's summer camp to consider. Every summer, more than 8 million kids attend camp. If you're looking for advice on how organize, ship and pack, as well as how to handle homesickness, take a look at "Summer Fun: The Parents' Complete Guide to Day Camps, Overnight Camps, Specialty Camps, and Teen Tours" by Marian Edelman Borden (Facts on File, $14.95). Though most of the information is better applied to next year, since it focuses on selecting camps, it also has great facts for parents of kids ages 3 to 17 about topics like safety at camp.

HELPING KIDS WITH YOUR DIVORCE. Telling your children that you're getting a divorce is the easy part compared with being able to provide them with extra attention and strong, consistent guidance at a time when you may feel incapable of doing so. You might find some help in two new books. "How to Help Your Child Overcome Your Divorce" by Elissa P. Benedek, M.D. (Newmarket Press, $14.95) is a support guide for separated, divorcing, and divorced parents with children ages 12 and under. Among the many topics it covers are telling children about how the divorce will affect them, keeping the relationship between ex-spouses as free of conflict as possible, and helping children obtain guidance from others.

But your divorce is not the end of their world, as Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D., points out in his book, "Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?" (Noonday Press, $13). This guide to parenting through divorce offers a light-hearted approach to a heavy-hearted topic by telling parents that divorce, while difficult for children, does not have to do long-term damage to their emotional health.

Liza N. Burby is an award-winning author and an accomplished public speaker. She is the mother of two daughters, Danielle, age 9 and Laura, age 5, and is married to Stephen, a high school teacher. They live in Huntington Station, NY. She is a frequent contributor to Working Moms' Internet Refuge.

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