Home Can Be Where the Party Is

by Liza N. Burby

Whatever happened to the at-home kids' party? These days it seems that every birthday event has to occur at a place like Nathans or Chuckie Cheese. The birthday child is usually one of several, shepherded from scheduled pizza time to activity time.

The pinnacle of a child's birthday, the birthday cake, is one booming "Happy Birthday" sung to all the kids in such a frenetic atmosphere that the guests of honor often wind up sulking or worse. The bill for all this fanfare is no less than $150.

Of course, many kids do enjoy them, which is the most important criteria for their big day. Further, parents face fairly heavy pressures. With their busy schedules, it's often worth the price tag to leave set up and clean up to someone else. Then there's the long guest list, encouraged by teachers who recommend parents invite their child's entire class so no one has hurt feelings. What sanity-preserving parent wants 24 hyped up kids in their house?

Even so, I prefer the originality and individuality of the home party. Make no mistake that this is not a matter of one is better than the other is. In fact, John Siefring, a clinical psychologist in Northport, NY,says it's a matter of your child's personality and your style.

"If your child is shy, she'd probably prefer a party on her home turf where she feels more comfortable, as opposed to the more extroverted child who is at home in a large crowd," he says.

"As for parents, some are neatniks who can't deal with a mess in their home. It also depends on your budget. Basically, your child will pick up on whatever you feel comfortable with."

My ease for my daughters exists at home, and this time of year, we plan in earnest as Laura has an April birthday and Danielle was born in May. (In truth, they begin planning the day after Christmas.) We've had successful parties, with themes chosen by the girls (with parental help),like Easter egg coloring, unisex garden tea party, music show,make-your-own sundae, science experiments and solve a mystery.

This year Laura is having a Blue's Clues event for her fifth birthday,complete with hunting for clues. (My husband Steve is playing "Steve.")Danielle would like a movie star party. (I'm trying not to cringe at the gender stereotyping.)

Now I do know the simplicity of the outside party. Each of our daughter shad their fourth birthdays at their ballet studio; when we had a weeks' old infant and again when we were in the middle of moving. But their home birthday parties are a family event, in which together we plan the activities, food, favors, and within reason, the guest list.

I think I have almost as much fun as my children do. Are the parties hectic, messy, and time-consuming? You bet, but Danielle and Laura love them. They are also economical, as long as you don't feel compelled to hire a $200-an-hour clown.

However, a successful party does require forethought. Siefring recommends that for children six and younger, parents provide structure around activities.This is more easily accomplished with a theme, which can include cooking,dress up, art, relay races, plays and gardening. But when the kids just want to play with toys, go with the flow. The more relaxed you are, the calmer they will be.

Siefring says you'll need less structure for older kids who won't want you around as much. "This is the time to move into the background, but also provide supervision, particularly with teens," he advises.

Here are some tips I've learned"

• Pizza and peanut butter and jelly are fine party foods, but check with parents to make sure their children aren't allergic. Or skip it altogether by scheduling the party between meals and serving the staples,ice cream and cake. Kids rarely eat much when they're excited anyway. But have coffee and snacks for parents who stay. In fact, encourage parents of children five and younger to remain so they can help with their child if needed.
  
  
• As for party favors, the cost can add up quickly. In addition to candy, I like to stick with seasonal favors: a shovel and pail, a jump rope, chalk, yo-yo or items that match the theme. (For Danielle's science party, the favors included toy magnifying glasses, marbles and plastic insects.)
  
  
• The guest list can be the most vexing problem. When your children are in preschool, I suggest skipping inviting the class all together and sending in cupcakes. This way your child shares his birthday with classmates, but his party is shared with a few close friends out of school. By elementary school, it gets tricky, since kids are very aware of who is invited to what party. But you have to work within your own space limitations, too. A good rule of thumb is to invite one child for each year of your child's life.
  
  
• Whatever you do, never forget that it's your child's party, and for this one day at least, they should be able to call some of the shots.So, if they don't want to open their presents with their friends, go with that.

As Siefring says, "Parties are supposed to be fun. They're designed to develop positive memories for your child, not to compete with what everyone else is doing for their child. If your child's needs are put first, that's the right party for them."