A Room Built for Two

Two can be the very best number
-- or one too many --
for Kids Who Share A Room

SIDEBAR:   Keeping Sibling Roomies Civil

by Liza N. Burby

Ten-year-old Annie McClelland and her sister, Laura, 6, have shared aroom since Laura decided to move in four years ago. The girls haveenjoyed each other's company -- and their bunk beds -- but now thatAnnie is older, she craves her own space. "They really are at differentstages developmentally," says their mother, Carin McClelland. "Annieneeds to be able to do her homework without someone interrupting and sheneeds a place to go with her friends."

Elaine Sparber of Wantagh, NY had a similar situation a few years agowhen her sons, Richie, now 14, and Lindsey, 10, shared a room. "As soonas circumstances allowed, we put them in separate rooms," she says. "Itwas a problem when they shared because Lindsey couldn't understand whyRichie went to bed later than him and it was always an issue. They havevery different personalities, too, so things are a lot better now."

Like everything else that has to do with siblings, there are prosand cons to sharing a bedroom, and a lot can depend on the children'sgenders and ages -- and how you handle the situation.

"It's probably best for each child to have their own room," saysPhil Oraby, a family therapist in Manhattan. "You can make a pretty goodcase why this is so: They have privacy and develop their own space,which becomes a piece of their identity. But parents shouldn't feelguilty if their kids have to share."

Indeed, this is not one of those make-it-or-break-it parentingdecisions, says Suzanne Johnson, associate professor of psychology atDowling College in Oakdale, NY. "Sharing is not detrimental, nor is havingyour own room. It's all in how you manage it."

Practicality plays a large part, of course. Although it's theAmerican middle-class ideal for each child to have his or her own room,it's not within every family's means, says Janette Benson, associateprofessor of psychology at the University of Denver. If your childrenmust share -- or, like Annie and Laura McClelland, want to -- takenote of the benefits of being roomies. You might remind them that inmany cultures, and time periods, sharing was the norm.

"With a sibling, you're never lonely," Benson says. "Children learnhow to share; they learn respect for common spaces versus privatespaces; they learn important social skills, like how to negotiateconflict, and they develop a sense of closeness." And they have someoneto help chase away the bogeyman.

Sharing usually works best, she says, when the kids are the samegender and no more than four years apart. After that, there will bedevelopmental differences to contend with.

It can be also be hard for older siblings to share a room with ababy, says Gregory J. Smith, associate professor of child psychology atDickinson College in Carlisle, PA. If you must put them together, headvises keeping the baby in your room for a few months, then graduallyincreasing the amount of time the baby spends in the other child's room.

If your children are different genders, Benson recommends beingmindful of their feelings about nudity and sexuality. Although there isnothing wrong with a brother and sister sharing a room, in the view ofKeith Ditkowsky, child and adolescent psychiatrist at SchneiderChildren's Hospital at Long Island Jewish Medical Center in New HydePark, NY, Americans are more comfortable with same-sex children sharing.

"As children get older and they become more sensitive about theirbodies, their needs should be paid attention to. Usually as theyapproach puberty, they'll ask for their own room or they'll showdiscomfort with each other," he says. "Pay attention to their feelingsand try to work around your space limitations to ensure them someprivacy."

Some ideas are putting up a screen or a curtain, as well as makingsure they take turns to dress.

When siblings of any age are roommates, parents usually have to do alot of negotiating, especially if the kids aren't happy about it.

"Parents should try to listen carefully to their children andrespect their concerns," Smith advises. "Try to work out a solution withthe children that they can live with ... it will help if they had asay."

Benson advises avoiding the trap of catering to the older sibling'sneeds. "If it's not done right, the younger sibling may feel like asecond-class citizen in their own room. Just because someone is olderdoes not mean they should get to choose all the time," she cautions."You can foster closeness between siblings by having them share a space,but only if they both feel they have control over that space."

Conversely, once the older child asks for his or her own room, tryto honor that wish, says Ernest Fruge, a psychologist at Baylor Collegeof Medicine in Houston. "The older child's needs take precedence whenthey reach the age when privacy is an issue. Don't restrict the growthof the older child to accommodate the younger."

When there is no space available, Fruge suggests other ways ofsetting boundaries. "Whatever you can do within your home to develop apersonal space for them, be it the family room or another area, it'simportant to try to do so." Fruge, who with his wife, Christine Adams,is the author of "Why Children Misbehave and What You Can Do About It"(New Harbinger Publications, $14.95), says kids need to know they canhave their own space when needed.

The bed is a good example. "To help foster the sense of personalspace, rules can be established that being on another's bed is `byinvitation only,' " Smith says. "Children also need a place for theirthings so they can have control over them. Storage units for each child,like toy boxes, are a good idea. Make sure your children understand thatin order to play with something in those boxes, they have to getpermission of the other sibling first."

What you can't make up for in space, you can compensate for in time,Fruge says. "Parents have to make efforts to spend individual time witheach of their kids -- which is especially difficult for single parents -- to convey that you have an interest in how their lives are going.Take the time to ask each one what their prevailing interests andconcerns are."

Johnson, whose own daughters, Bailey O'Connor, 3, and Rowan, 1,share a room, says that when space is not an issue, let the decision tohave their own rooms be up to the children. "When and if my daughtersexpress the desire, we'll give them separate rooms. Don't worry thatsleeping apart will mean they won't be close anymore. You can still keeptheir closeness. Parents set the tone for that," she says. "You can haveshared time before they go off to bed."

Of course, siblings may not mind sharing a room. Paul Raybin, whogrew up in Stony Brook, NY, has all three of his kids in one room in theirtwo-bedroom house in Oakland, Calif. Aaron, 12, Noah, 7, and Arianna, 5,enjoy rooming together, he says, and "haven't expressed anydissatisfaction or requested privacy. But it is starting to be an issuefor my [older] son. He will be separated from his siblings at somepoint, probably when his value on privacy is higher.

SIDEBAR:   Keeping Sibling Roomies Civil

Liza N. Burby is an award-winning author and an accomplished public speaker. She is the mother of two daughters, Danielle, age 7 and Laura, age 4, and is married to Stephen, a high school teacher. They live in Huntington Station, NY. She is a frequent contributor to Working Moms' Internet Refuge.

This article first appeared in Newsday.

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