FAMILY MATTERS

A Good Match
Establish a Great Relationship Between Nanny and You

Nannies and families have a unique relationship. Essentially, a stranger is coming to live with your family to help you care for the most important and special part of your life. At its best, the relationship is one of caring and respect. At its worst, it is filled with conflict and anger, often unspoken. What can be done to establish the right match and maintain a good relationship between nanny and family?

The first step is to choose a good nanny placement service or agency. They should first meet with your family to listen to your expectations and feelings. Many services also meet with nannies in support groups where they get feedback about issues and concerns from the other perspective. The agency should remain as an active resource to help create and maintain the positive relationship between a nanny and the family she lives with. It is the foundation of excellent childcare.

Before The Nanny Arrives

A lot of groundwork has to be done before hiring a nanny:

1. Get information about her.
   
   You must know your nanny's life history. You'll want to know about her childcare experience, her interest and hobbies, her job experience and her schooling -- and whether she swims or smokes or drives and what her driving record has been. More important, however, is to understand her family history, her relationships, how she was raised and whether she feels she will do things the same way. It's a good sign if she has a good relationship with her parents and her siblings are doing productive things with their lives. Check her previous patterns. Has she fulfilled her commitments in the past or has her lifestyle been erratic and untouched? Does her history show that she really loves children and has spent time with them? The agency should help to gather this information and share it with you -- the positives and negatives, so you can decide if this is the right nanny.
   
   
2. Establish a working contract.
   
   A good contract, verbal or written, establishes the rights of both the family and the nanny. It should be specific and include expectations for child care and housework, living arangements, time off etc. The contract not only clarifies issues but provides a vehicle to facilitate communication. It's often easier to say "remember what we talked about in the contract" than to bring up an issue spontaneously.
   
   In order to draw up a contract, expectations must be explored in depth. What is light housekeeping? For some it means picking up after the children and for others, all household cleaning. What are evenings off? Does it mean 6:30 when parents return or 9:00 when the children go to bed? Few expectations are right or wrong but they must be clear so that each knows what to expect.
   
   
3. Work out the relationship.
   
   The contract is concrete. The relationship is much more intangible and perhaps more important. Many of the concrete issues can be dealt with if there is mutually caring and respectful relationship. Parents should explore with each other the type of relationship they want with the nanny and discuss it with her. Do you want her to be "part of the family" and what does it mean? Establish boundaries with which you are comfortable. Some people tell us that the entire family and the nanny have dinner together. Other couples, particularly those with infants, prefer to have dinner by themselves and value their privacy. Your needs shoud be as compatible as possible with those of your nanny. These are the intangibles that cannot be put in a contract but are the real foundation of the relationship.
   
   If you follow these steps before your nanny arrives, you will be ahead of the game before you begin. Both you and your nanny will have a clear sense of expectations. Let's not forget the real object of this concern. Before the nanny arrives, prepare your child. Your children are the most important people in this situation. They must be included. Talk to them about the nanny before her arrival. Discuss their feelings. If a nanny is leaving, talk to them about your feelings and ask them to share theirs.
   
   You may be thinking that this is difficult to have a heavy discussion with a 6 week old about this (which is true) but even toddlers can be included in many ways that are developmentally appropriate. Children are very sensitive to the feelings of the family and know when changes occur.

When The Nanny Arrives

Once the nanny arrives, even when you have made all the appropriate preparations, there will be a period of adjustment.

1. Establish A Good Beginning.
   
   It will take some time for a nanny to become acclimated. She is coming at a difficult time. Another nanny has just left and is missed by the family. The new nanny may feel less welcomed, particularly by the children. It's best not to expect too much the first few days. If possible, arrange to take a few days off from work. Plan some time for all of you together but also give the children and nanny time on their own. Again, be as open and explicit as you can be about your expectations and ask for her feedback. Even if the nanny has done this before, she cannot know what you want without being told and this communication is an ongoing process.
   
   
2. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
   
   As in any relationship, ongoing communications must take place in order for the relationship to work. A family and their nanny should establish a style of communciation that is comfortable for both. We believe that this should include scheduled times together. You can have weekly meetings where each share events and concerns. Some meet briefly at the end of each day. It is often easier to bring up issues at a specific time than to do it spontaneously.
   
   
3. Offer Positive Reinforcement.
   
   All nannies need support and praise. Even the most competent nannies with a strong sense of self may not know a family is pleased with their performance. It is hard to know whether people living and working in the same place need more verbal support that others. Perhaps it's the nature of the job. Neither parents or nannies get a promotion when the children are doing well. The rewards are more intrinsic -- feeling good about ourselves and the children. However, it's always nice to hear that you're doing a good job!
   
   A good match requires open communications between nanny and family. It is the basis of a good relationship and ultimately, quality childcare.

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