MOTHERING

Sharing Life's Most Intimate Moment

by Fern Kupfer

My daughter's question was as shocking as a first dive into an icypool.

"Mom, when was the first time you had sex?"

It was appropriate that I cough and spit because I was in front ofthe sink, brushing my teeth when she asked.

"And what was it like, the first time?" she probed, standing in thedoorway with a head full of hot rollers and a look of wide-eyedinnocence. "I was talking about it with my friends. We were going to askour mothers and I said you would tell me."

Slowly, I rinsed my mouth. The frantic, early-morning rush stilledas I contemplated the moment, my daughter and I together in the steamybathroom. She was 16 then, in the spring of her first love; herboyfriend had starred in the senior class play and brought her gardeniasfor the prom.

I thought of two things when she asked: both of which evoked acertain gratitude. First, I was heartened that my daughter feltcomfortable asking me, believing I would answer, honestly. Then, Ipictured myself when I was her age, also in love, in a swoon all thetime, writing my name and HIS in curlicue hearts along the margins ofevery notebook. I heard my own girlish voice saying NO in the back seatof a car, giving reasons why I wouldn't, shouldn't. There always had tobe reasons. I had made a choice then, not feeling ready to lose myvirginity. (My friends and I were always talking about "losing it," asif virginity were something that could be lost, like car keys orumbrellas.) Now, decades later, this choice still seemed sensible andwise.

I was 19, the first time, I told my daughter. I was in college andliving away from home. AWAY FROM HOME - this aspect was stressed. Ithurt and was not as much fun as kissing, I added.

I said that the first time a girl has sex, it should be withsomeone she trusts. That despite how glamorous and passionate sexualencounters are depicted in the movies, the first time can be painful ormessy and embarrassing. "So, the first time should be with someoneyou're comfortable with. Maybe someone you can also laugh with."

My daughter's face was serious, as I continued on this delicatetightrope. "The first time is special if it's with someone you love. Youdon't have to be married to have sex, but a physical relationship isbetter when you're in love . . . "

"Well, I don't see anything wrong with it," my daughter said,pursing her lips.

I hesitated. "With what?"

"With waiting until you're married to have sex," she answered.

I looked into the mirror at the two of us, feeling as if we werereading a script out of "Family Ties," where the aging hippie-mother issurprised by the cautious conservatism of the next generation. Have wecome around again? In her grandmother's generation, I started tellingher, it was expected that women remain virgins until they were married.Some couples married just so they could have sex. That's not a goodenough reason, I warned.

"I know that," my daughter said. "But I just want to be able toexamine all the options."

My daughter had asked for details, not advice, but therewere certain things I felt myself unable to leave out. Like AIDS. Likeself-worth. And how she needed to be responsible for her own sexuallife. I knew this was a one-shot conversation and I wanted her to knowthat first times can be remembered with affection and humor; that sex isa way to get closer to someone you love. I wanted her to know that shedoes have choices about intimacy, but that it's also hard to go throughlife without making some mistakes. I wanted her to know that what womendo with their bodies is just as important as what they do with theirhearts and minds. That our sexuality remains forever inseparable fromwho we are.

My daughter is away at college now, an accomplished young woman whohas looked again at some of the options. She has been seeing the sameboy for more than a year. They are in love. So I was not surprised at acall very late one night: "Hi, Mom," she began, her voice low so shewould not wake her roommate. "Now about this first time . . . "

Fern Kupfer is a novelist and writing professor at Iowa State University. She is a frequent contributor to Working Moms' Internet Refuge.

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