Dressing for Success

Although there's no equivalent of a power suit for preschoolers, children'sclothes help them fit in. Stern recalls, "We had a child whose parentsdressed him in beautiful high-style European clothes with knit shirts andcollars." This little fashion plate was rejected by his New Jerseyclassmates. Faster than you could say "Superman to the rescue," Sternadvised the boy's parents to get him some T-shirts with the latestsuper-hero on the front, and to replace his expensive leather sandals withstandard issue sneakers.

Tip: See what the in-crowd wears, and make sure your child has the"right" gear. Included in that gear, of course, are playthings the otherchildren love. Your child needs to have at least some of the equipment theother kids have. Otherwise, they won't be able to join in their fun.

It's Easy to Play Host

Most children feel like Very Important (little) People when they entertain.Even shy children appear to be less shy--and are often quite sociable--ontheir own turf, according to Dr. Feldman. She recommends giving them lotsof opportunities to play host.

"But, it's important to plan playdates carefully and leave little tochance," says Julia Ayoub, a preschool teacher in Brooklyn, New York."Review the rules; say 'Remember, when your friend comes over she is goingto play in your room with your toys. Is that OK?" (Some kids make it moreOK by declaring one or two toys off-limits and putting them away.) "Whenthe guest does come over," Ayoub continues, "make any house rules crystalclear." (For example, some children are not permitted to turn on thetelevision during a playdate). Include your child in hosting chores: Lethim offer the snack. You might suggest an activity as anicebreaker--perhaps baking cookies or making a drink from frozen lemonade.

Tips: Here's what my sociable son Scotty recommends: "When a friendcomes over, I say, 'Let me take you to my room. What would you like to do?'And even if I don't really want to do it, I do it anyway."

• Continue to act as a friendly match-maker. Let your child have more playdates, and avoid being critical of the kids he chooses to invite over.

• Get feedback after playdates so you know what went wrong and what went right. Ask: What did you do? Was it fun? Would you like so-and-so to come again?

No Surprises, Please

Talk to your child ahead of time about any social occasion she's about toattend. She needs to know what to expect: whether it's a birthday partyfor their four-year-old neighbor ("There will be about ten children and abirthday cake with candles") or for her 80-year-old grandmother ("There willbe adults, children of all ages and a lot of candles.")

When your youngster is invited to a child's house, explain that she shouldgreet her friend and her friend's mother or caregiver: "You say hello, youshake hands, and if there are any house rules, you follow them. When youleave, say thank you for the nice time."

Social skills are reinforcing. If your child succeeds this time, she'llbe more likely to succeed next time as well.

Some children need more preparation than others. About 10 to 15 percent ofall children are like that lovable Disney dwarf, Bashful. And Naomi Siegel,a parent educator in New York City, says that there are many more childrenwho are "slow to warm up." Shera's older sister, Deena fits this category.In new situations, she needs to look around until she feels comfortable.

Tips: Whether your child is shy or just slow to warm up, don't insistshe warm up faster than she can.

• Respect her style. If she needs to cling to your hand at her cousin's birthday party, let her. Often, a child who is allowed to hang on will become comfortable enough to let go.

• Don't decide in advance that your child will have trouble and keep her under your protective wing: She'll pick up the message that the world is a dangerous place and she needs to be rescued.

Generosity Wins the Day

Children need to practice thinking of others. "Whenever I have apreschooler who seems to be giving, after I meet the family, I see thattheir children have been provided with opportunities to be givers, not justtakers," says Ronnie Stern. "They've been encouraged to make gifts to giveto their grandparents or help care for a younger sibling."

My son Scotty describes being generous as the instinct that led him to givehis friend Zachary a comic book: "I didn't want anything from him. He justseemed sad and I wanted to cheer him up."

Children can also give the gift of their kindness. They can be encouragedto take the time to make another person feel good. If their friend missesschool, they can call him on the phone and say they missed him, or tell himthe funny thing that happened that day.

Tip: Birthday parties provide a wonderful setting for teaching aboutgiving and receiving, according to Dr. Feldman. Too many kids see a birthdaypresent as simply the price they pay for admission to the party. One mothertaught her son, Adam, the true meaning of a gift by suggesting he give apresent to his friend Caroline, even though he couldn't attend her party.You can reinforce the idea of thoughtful gift-giving by letting your childpick out a present that a birthday child will like.

Sharing Shouldn't Be Forced

Children don't give up what they already have unless they feel generous.But it helps to put yourself in the little shoes of the child who doesn'tcare to share. "Sharing is an almost alien experience to a preschooler,"says Tom Boressoff, director of the Early Childhood Center for the Boroughof Manhattan Community College. "Children find it hard to let go of a toybecause they are not sure they will ever see it again." Boressoff gives anexample: "Let's say three-year-old Jason lends his new Ninja Turtle to hisnext door neighbor. Deep in his soul, Jason feels his turtle hasdisappeared from the universe. But somewhere between the ages of three andfive, Jason will have had many more opportunities to share, and he'll beginto understand that the turtle is just at Max's house."

Tip: Encourage sharing without forcing it. Say, "Wouldn't you like tolet Jason have some of your play dough so he can make a dinosaur too?" Orsuggest, "How about taking some of these chocolate-chip cookies next door soRobbie and his mom can taste what we made?"

"Eventually your child will know that it feels good to share," notes RonnieStern. "Children like to play with children who share, and if a child is agood lender, she'll find that others will share with her."

In Praise of Good Sportsmanship

Good sports are not born, they are created. Slowly. It's not natural forlittle children to happily give up their place on the pitcher's mound soanother child can get a chance to pitch--or to enjoy being runner-up in arace.

"It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game" is hard forchildren to grasp. Even when they understand the rules, very young childrenoften change or ignore them--sometimes mid-game. ("Oh, Mommy, my checker isallowed to move in any direction.") Children like to be King of thecheckerboard, or whatever game they are playing.

It helps to make losing less painful. One mother arranges musical chairsfor her children's parties and gives cookies to the first few children out.("Of course," says Dr. Angrilli, "you don't want to make it too attractiveto lose.") Sometimes it's not necessary to have any losers at all. Onefive-year-old proudly displays the blue ribbon he won at day camp for the"Sixth Place in Swimming"--even though there were only six little swimmersin the race.

Tips: "Illustrate what a good sport is by being one," says Dr.Angrilli. "Let your children see you being gracious whether you lose or win.No one likes a sore winner either."

• "When you control the outcome of the game," advises Angrilli, "let yourchildren experience both winning and losing. At the beginning, you have tolet them win, so they don't get too discouraged. When you sense they cantolerate a loss--let them lose." And, he adds, be careful not to mentiontheir feelings about the loss: "Don't be too quick to say 'Don't cry, it'sonly a game.' You might try, 'I know it's hard to lose and you feel badabout it, but maybe next time you'll win."

Patience and Consideration

"It's not easy for our children to wait their turn, to learn to be patient,"admits preschool teacher Julia Ayoub, "but it's necessary"--particularly fortoday's generation of little kids, who are short on patience and long onself-centeredness.

Many parents are killing their kids' abilities to be sociable. . . withkindness. It's parents who need to learn the word No, or our children willexpect the world to repeatedly say Yes to them.

According to Ronnie Stern, "It's important that children not have all theirneeds met instantly. Children who never have to wait for anything at homeexpect the same treatment at school, and then of course, they're verydisappointed."

Stern sees the evidence all around her: "A little boy wants to sit in oneparticular chair and doesn't care that another child already in it. Or, I'mserving snacks and one girl in insisting, 'What about me? Why should I haveto wait?' I counter by agreeing with her. I say, "This must be hard foryou because in school there are lots of kids and waiting your turn takeslonger."

Tips: "It's all right for your children to feel special," says PaulaElbirt Bender, MD, a New York City pediatrician and "Dr. Paula" on the TVprogram House Party. "But don't give them the idea that they are so specialthat they can get away with anything. Yes, they are terrific--but so arelots of other children."

• Ronnie Stern adds, "Even when your children are very young, subject them to little doses of waiting." Reinforce the message that they have to think of others, to wait their turn--"I know you are thirsty but you can't push in front of the line at the water fountain"--even if they boo the messenger!

Three Cheers for Courtesy

Julia Ayoub runs her preschool classroom on the principle that commoncourtesy--good manners--makes for a pleasant environment: "It really meansshowing kids that I expect to be treated with respect. So I treat them thatway myself. Then they learn about give-and-take." When Ayoub gives outsnacks, she says, "My preschoolers know to say 'thank you' and not to attackthe crackers and juice until everyone has been served. And no one gets moreunless they ask, 'Please, may I have more juice?" (As Ayoub puts it, "Iwon't accept the Tarzan school of manners. You know, 'Me want juice.")

There's obviously more to common courtesy than "please" and "thank you,"but they are a good beginning. Add "I'm sorry"--which Ronnie Stern likes tohear as long as the child understands what she's sorry about. Stern sharesa recent story: "A child rushed out of school to the car-pool bench andpractically ran over another child. The horrified mother's response was tograb her child and yell to the offending youngster, 'Tell him that you'resorry!" Stern intervened and said, "Let's cool it a minute. Then I askedthe boy to stand near the child he had hurt, to just be there for him. Whatmatters to me is to develop sensitivity. The words, 'I'm sorry' bythemselves don't do much for the person in pain."

So, in addition to acknowledging that he has hurt another child, theoffender needs to explain why he is sorry. Eventually, children will beaware of their feelings and come to the right words themselves. (Sternoffers this example of a child who found the right words: "By accidenttoday, a child digging in the sandbox got sand in another child's eyes. Hereached out, brushed the sand away and asked, 'Are you OK?' Now that'ssensitivity!")

Tips: Encourage courtesy--good manners--by showing respect to yourchild. For instance, don't walk into her room without knocking first.Children will parrot the right deeds and the right words. Also the wrongones.

• Let your kids know how well they're doing. Catch them being good and tell them how proud you are of them. ("It was terrific that you helped rebuild Tommy's block castle when it fell down." "It was very nice of you to give up your seat on the crowded bus today.") However, as Julia Ayoub explains, "While it's important to reinforce good behavior, it's also crucial to acknowledge bad behavior and explain why it's inappropriate." ("You can't throw food, Jane. Food is for eating, not throwing. If you like, we can throw a ball around later." If the behavior continues, say, "It looks like you're not hungry, so I'll take the food away.")

Butt Out of Her Battles!

Don't play referee in your child's fights. For one thing, children fightdifferently than adults--you could say with "kid" gloves. Often they willpush and shove one minute, and hug and kiss the next. Another example theyappear to have thicker skin than adults.

One mother listen horrified as her daughter, Lisa, five, informed herclassmate Debbie: "I only invited you to my birthday party because mymother made me." Before Mom could speak, Debbie replied, "Oh, that's OK.What do you want for a present?" Lisa and Debbie were just fine. As Ayoubinterprets the scene, "Kids often say things that adults hear as hurtful,but the children don't mean to be hurtful. They are just relaying the factsas they see them.

Tips: Don't filter child-size remarks through an adult prism."However," Ayoub advises, "hurtful remarks should be dealt with. Later, forexample I'd say to Lisa, 'you may have hurt Debbie's feelings. Do youunderstand why?"

• Don't interfere with the normal conflicts between children. Dr. Angrilli says, "I advise parents, leave your kids alone unless you see blood. Seriously, you must let them work things out themselves. You have to let kids argue, cry, yell--they learn by trial and error how relationships work.

All these tactics will help your child become more confident that friendlyovertures do pay off. So, don't give up encouraging and looking for thecooperative, considerate, caring spirit inside your child. There are manyrewards. For one, your child may soon appear on the other children's, "MostWanted Lists."

Linda Lee Small is a Brooklyn based freelance writer who specializes inchild development and family issues.