The Discipline Bugaboo QUIZ
Q&A: Are You Brick or Jelly?

by Liza N. Burby

In her book, "Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of InnerDiscipline" (Avon, 1995), Barbara Coloroso describes three disciplinestyles: the brick wall, the jellyfish and the backbone. To determineyour discipline style, take this quiz, which I created with Coloroso,and read what she says about your results.

1. Your child has left his or her room a mess. You say:
   1. "Everything must be put away exactly how you found it or I'm throwing it in the garbage."
   2. "That's okay, honey. I don't want you to worry about cleaning this up. I'll take care of it later."
   3. "Would you like me to help you now or will you do it yourself now?" (with emphasis on the word "now").
   
   
   
2. Your child doesn't like the dinner you have served and refuses toeat it. You say:
   1. "You will not leave the table until your plate is empty."
   2. "If you don't like this, I will make you something you would rathereat."
   3. "Find something on your plate you would like to eat. I'll put therest away, and if you get hungry before the next meal, you can eat it."
   
   
   
3. Your child says he or she isn't tired and refuses to go to bed.You say:
   1. "Get in bed right now or you'll get a spanking."
   2. "Okay, you can stay up with me until you're tired."
   3. "You need to be in your bed and you can stay awake if you are nottired."
   
   
   
4. Your child has a friend over and won't share his or her toys. Yousay:
   1. "Share your toys right now or I'll take them away."
   2. "That's okay. You don't have to share."
   3. "You can share the toy or you can each find another to play with."
   
   
   
5. Your child hits his or her sister. You say:
   1. "If you ever hit your sister again I'll show you what it feelslike."
   2. "Just try to get along."
   3. "You're angry and you need to sit in your room or on my lap until youcalm down."

While Coloroso says most parents combine all three styles at onetime or another, each of us has a tendency to lean toward one style.

If you answered mostly a's, your style is the brick wall. Youbelieve order and control are more important than your child's feelings.Intimidation and threats are the rule. This easily could become one ofabuse. If you fit this style, your best course is to ask yourself:"Would I want this done to me?" (not, "Was this done to me?") and "Whatcan I do instead?" If you find you are an extreme, Coloroso says youmight want to get a third party involved to help you identify what youare doing and re-evaluate your actions.

If you answered mostly b's, your discipline style is the jellyfish.You believe that children should not be stifled with rules or else youdon't want to be bothered with disciplining them. Whichever reason, youare leaving your child without the structure children thrive on, whichcan, in turn, lead to chaos and further discipline problems. Jellyfishparents often respond to problems with threats, bribes and punishmentsand can quickly become brick wall parents. If you fit this style, stepback and look at your goal. "If you want to raise responsible,resourceful, resilient children, you will need to look at reasonableboundaries and limits," says Coloroso.

If you answered mostly c's, your discipline style is the backbone.You are a flexible disciplinarian, with simple, clearly stated rules.Consequences are logical, realistic and palatable. You believe thatchildren are able to make choices and decisions and to make mistakes,and to be responsible for all three. "You know that there is usually notone way to discipline and that you learn by taking the journey as afamily," Coloroso says.

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Liza N. Burby is an award-winning author and an accomplished public speaker. She is the mother of two daughters, Danielle, age 7 and Laura, age 4, and is married to Stephen, a high school teacher. They live in Huntington Station, NY. She is a frequent contributor to Working Moms' Internet Refuge.

This article first appeared in Newsday.