The Discipline Bugaboo

Too punitive or too lenient?
Between those extremes, there's a lot of leeway for parents

Take the Discipline Bugaboo QUIZ :   Are You Brick or Jelly?

by Liza N. Burby

There is probably no other aspect of parenting that can be as bafflingand frustrating as discipline. All the information available to guide usin our hours of need tends to vanish when we are faced with a 3-year-oldwho's screaming "I want it now!" as we stand exhausted and embarrassedin the supermarket.

Besides, sometimes the expert information is confusing. While we areadvised to avoid our parents' shtick — "Because I'm the parent and Isay so" — the recommended nurturing discipline technique can make usfeel that our kids have all the control.

"I think parents sometimes feel cornered that they have twoalternatives: to be a parent who punishes or be a parent who is lenient,when in fact there is a lot in between," says Nancy Olsen-Harbich, aparent educator and human development specialist at Suffolk County (NY) CornellCooperative Extension.

"Parents who grew up in the '50s and '60s are the first generationto try something different, so there's not a lot of history on which tobase our approach.

"Our parents did not have the goal to be friends with us. Their goalwas to raise kids who understood right and wrong and would make themproud. We want our kids to feel love and acceptance, but there is abacklash. We feel burnt out sometimes because it's harder to do it thisway. It takes enormous patience to explain the rules and talk aboutit."

But it's a strategy that also makes good old-fashioned common sense.Few would argue with the philosophies of such experts as BarbaraColoroso, author of "Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift ofInner Discipline" (Avon, 1995), who says: "Discipline is about teachingkids to be responsible, resourceful, resilient human beings.

"It's our job as parents to show kids in age-appropriate ways whatthey have done wrong, help them to take ownership for their mistake,give them ways to solve it and most importantly, to keep both our ownand our child's dignity intact at all times."

Of course, putting it into action takes practice. Coloroso saysparents should not expect to get it right all the time.

Anne Smith, the mother of three children ages 7, 4 and 14 months andthe principal of Mattituck-Cutchogue Elementary School, knows this well.

"It's challenging and interesting dealing with three differentpersonalities," she says.

"Each one needs a little different approach. Jacob is moreeasy-going, while Rebekah is a textbook four-year-old. Caleb is analmost unknown entity, though he is starting to mimic his sister. . . .Ifind the hardest thing to do in disciplining is to change how you speakto your kids. Just try to spend a whole day not telling your kids tohurry up or come on.

"I try, and of course I do it anyway, because what else do you saywhen they are running late for the bus?"

Smith has full-time help, but she says there are times when she orher husband, Ron, will say, "I can't do this anymore. I need somehelp."

We all need help from time to time and parenting is one of the fewjobs that comes without an official instruction manual.

As a result, we can make a lot of mistakes — not a fatal flaw,reassures Rona Novick, coordinator of The Parenting Center at SchneiderChildren's Hospital in New Hyde Park, NY — that can wipe out our bestintentions.

Consider what Novick calls the three common errors of parenting. Thefirst is giving away the store. "This is, `If you clean your room, we'llgo to Disney World.'

"The problem with that, of course, is that there is nowhere to gofrom there," she says. "Parents also pull out the big guns for smallinfractions, like grounding a kid for rude talk.

"But the biggest mistake parents make is to cry wolf. This is theparent who says, `If you don't eat your dinner, you won't get dessert,'and when the kid doesn't eat his dinner, he still gets the dessert.

"More than anything, parents need to be people of their word. It ismuch better," she explains, "to say, `I don't know what the punishmentwill be, but Mom and Dad will talk about it and get back to you,' thanto blurt out a punishment you know you won't follow up on.

"With teens, you're dealing with much larger issues at a time whenyou have less control over their behavior," Novick points out.

"You have to be particularly careful about not saying what youcan't make happen. And you have to be careful not to throw up yourhands. Parents are under the mistaken idea that parenting ends at age12: `My job is done. He should be able to clean his room without mytelling him.'

"Many can, but others can't and need continual support. Don'twithdraw just because of their age. You know they're ready when they cando things without you and do it consistently."

Letting natural consequences take over is a powerful disciplinedevice. "Most of our behavior is influenced by what happens after it,"says Novick.

"Use it to promote your child's development . . . by shaping theconsequences that come after it. Of course, one of the naturalconsequences is our love and affection, and often that is enough."

Olsen-Harbich — who has children of her own to discipline, Emily,7, and Peter, 4 — suggests the old pick-your-battles routine. "You'renot going to win if you fight about everything," she says.

"Make rules and live by what you are firm about: `We don't hit eachother.' But you can give them choices about things within their controlthat you don't have strong feelings about, like what they wear toschool."

She also favors making sure the examples your children see arepositive. "Be optimistic and flexible . . . Instead of sitting intraffic and yelling at the other drivers, which teaches kids to yellwhen they are angry and to blame it on someone else, model betterbehavior. Say, `I feel so angry, I think I'll listen to soothing musicbecause being frustrated won't get us there faster.' This helps themunderstand what to do with their feelings. This is a big part ofparenting."

And remember not to worry if you don't get it right the first — oreven the sixth — time. "Good discipline requires consistency andendurance," says Novick. "It is a process. It is rare that onedisciplinary interaction will change the child for good. There will beslow changes, but if you keep at it, you will see the difference."

Take the Discipline Bugaboo QUIZ:   Are You Brick or Jelly?

Liza N. Burby is an award-winning author and an accomplished public speaker. She is the mother of two daughters, Danielle, age 7 and Laura, age 4, and is married to Stephen, a high school teacher. They live in Huntington Station, NY. She is a frequent contributor to Working Moms' Internet Refuge.

This article first appeared in Newsday.

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