No two parents take care of their children exactly the same way. One may be more lenient about reinforcing punishment; the other may want to ban TV until the child turns two. Now, add to that equation a nanny, with her own opinions on what's best for your child. Some may be vocal enough to challenge you, while others may nod in agreement to your face only to dismiss your wishes once you're headed to the office.

Hey, since when did your nanny become another parent?

"My nanny makes a point to remind me that she spends more time with [my 7-month-old son] than I do. She loves it when he throws himself to her arms while I hold him, and actually prompts him to do so," says Rose Fernandez, a mom in Madrid, Spain, who works in marketing. "My husband is often annoyed when she tells him that he is not doing something right or that the baby behaves better with her than with him."

Truth be told, you can't quite dismiss what your nanny says; after all, she does spend a significant amount of time with your child. What's more, you want her to feel like part of the family, at least to a certain extent. But when she crosses over that invisible line into a parent's territory, emotions can run high.

"It's hard enough to share your child with a caregiver without having to share your home with that person as well," says Ann Douglas in her book The Unofficial Guide to Childcare. "Jealousy of the caregiver's relationship with your child can be a major issue for many working parents, especially mothers."

Elyse Schulman, a working mom in Edison, N.J., knows that firsthand. Although she says she doesn't feel jealous, per se, her nanny's contradictory remarks have definitely hit a nerve.

"My nanny once corrected me in front of my friends about my daughter Whitney's behavior," says Schulman. "It's bad enough that I feel guilty because I'm not there all day, but to correct me in front of my friends, who don't work, was hurtful. There are a lot of emotions wrapped up in the fact that I'm not home all day."

Another potential scenario for conflict is a nanny who's a parent, too. While that seems like the perfect qualification for someone who is now caring for your child, it can also be a huge challenge when your nanny's parenting philosophies don't jibe with yours.

"Our nanny doesn't know her place as far as what she can/should be responsible for and what she should leave to me. When my son came home with a note from his teacher addressed to me, she read it and proceeded to address the situation with my son," says Debra Hall, a Greenlawn, N.Y., mom of two who works for an air conditioning manufacturer. "I think that because she raised her own children, she feels superior to me. She can't just let go and say to herself, 'These are someone else's kids and someone else's house.' I feel like I can't do or say anything in my home."

Other danger zones include the "perennial hot topics" of parenting: toilet training, discipline, eating and sleeping, says Douglas, who lives in Peterborough, Ontario, Canada, and has four children ranging in age from 3 to 12 years old. "Problems tend to arise if the nanny forgets that it's the parent's responsibility to make such important decisions as when to start toilet training," she says.

Addressing problems with your nanny is the obvious path to resolution. Your approach, however, is key. Here are five starting points to help put you and your husband back on the two-parent track:

Evaluate underlying feelings — yours and hers. Does your child listen/eat/sleep better for your nanny than for you? Could your child possibly prefer your nanny to you? If you're feeling a lump in your throat, you're certainly not the first parent to feel insecure (or even paranoid) about your child's relationship with the nanny. What's important, though, is to first get a handle on your emotions so any discussion that ensues will begin on a more rational note.

As for your nanny, is it possible she feels unappreciated? Fernandez believes her nanny makes certain remarks out of a need to show that she's doing a good job. "It's difficult to be with a baby all day long, so maybe she really needs those positive strokes," she says. "Therefore, we make sure to reinforce this concept rather than go against it."

Set clear guidelines. One way to do this is with a nanny contract, and it's never too late to devise one. Nanny contracts not only state work hours, responsibilities and salary, but also put in writing specifically how you want your nanny to handle the many facets of caring for your child. "It's important that you're both on the same page when it comes to these types of important decisions," says Douglas.

For example, do you want your child walking around with a pacifier? How much time on the computer is acceptable? Can your nanny help your kids with their homework? "With Mina, I have always been very organized and clear about what I wanted," says Kathleen Ford, a business manager in Los Angeles with a 2-year-old son. "This was especially important since Marc and I were following the 'RIE' principles that are really out of the ordinary for most caregivers." (RIE is an approach to child rearing that emphasizes respect for the child.)

Moreover, just as in the workplace, meet with your nanny on a regular basis to review her performance. Be sure to give your nanny the opportunity to have her say a well — and listen.

Start and end any discussion on a positive note. That is especially true if you're happy with your nanny overall and don't want to lose her. Approach the conversation in a nonconfrontational tone, and be very specific about problems or concerns. "I think it's very important to be clear about roles and responsibilities, and to talk through important issues before they become a source of conflict," Douglas says.

Also, to avoid distractions, be sure to talk to her when others — the kids, especially — aren't around. When her friends were gone and the kids were playing outside, Schulman calmly confronted her nanny and explained the importance of backing each other up. "I told her we can't be divided in front of others — my friends or the kids," she says. "Even if she disagrees, they're my kids and I don't want to be contradicted." Her nanny apologized.

View your nanny as a 'junior' partner. Once you've worked through feelings of insecurity, you may be able to hear your nanny's comments as just words. Only then will you be more receptive to her suggestions and not take to heart the possibility that you're doing something wrong. "The nanny can suggest that it might be time to start toilet training because the child is staying dry most of the day," says Douglas. How else would you know that? But don't take it as a directive to toss out the Pampers. "Ultimately, it should be the parent making those types of decisions," Douglas says.

Soon, you may even feel comfortable enough to solicit advice from your nanny. "I ask her what I should buy, what we should feed him, etc., in the hopes that her feeling of 'ownership' will lead to the responsible behavior we expect from her," says Fernandez. "When she says, 'Look how he wants to come to me,' we say, 'He really loves you; he's lucky to have such a good nanny.' When she says, 'He never cries when I change him,' we say, 'You know how to do it right; you'll have to show us your way.' "

Ditch her. Despite all your best efforts into making the relationship work, you may just have one of those nanny's who continually oversteps her boundaries, causing you more stress than it would to find someone new. "If you've made your feelings clear about a particular issue, e.g., no spanking, and the nanny crosses that line, you would definitely want to terminate the arrangement," says Douglas. "She would have shown complete disrespect for your parenting philosophies as well as your authority as her employer."

One last piece of advice: When interviewing new candidates for the nanny job, ask how they'd handle some of the situations that were points of contention with your last nanny. Screen their responses before you give away your personal views on child rearing. And feel confident in knowing that, in your children's eyes, you can never hire someone who will replace you as their parent.

Gayle Kesten has a 1-year-old son and works full-time as a magazine editor.

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