Parenting in the 90s from Toddlers to Teens

Relief for Your Teen's Summer Doldrums

by Lynn Byk, Ph.D.
Director ofAdolescent and Multicultural Services at F.A.C.E. I.T

"It's 10:00 a.m...Do you know where your children are?"

Receive Parenting in the 90s as a monthly e-mail newsletter! Sign up here.

The summer can offer older children and parents a welcome respite from thestress and strain of homework, tests and other school-related demands.However, it can also provide a new set of worries for parents with teens notaway at camp or involved in structured activities.

How can parents provide structure for those long summer days? Is it okayfor the kids to sit in front of the television, eight hours straight,munching on treats of questionable nutritional value? At what age can youleave them alone without feeling overwhelming pangs of guilt and panic? Howoften do you check in on them?

Older children and adolescents are at risk because developmentally theybelieve they can make these decisions on their own, feeling independent andinvincible. Parents of older children appropriately worry about beingoverprotective, and as such, have a hard time holding to their convictionsabout setting limits. In turn, older children and adolescents can alsomisinterpret a parent being protective as a lack of trust. finding abalance between encouraging independence and setting appropriate limits toinsure children's safety is a dilemma facing every parent.

Tips for tackling teens

• Trust your instincts. If you are concerned about your adolescentspending long periods of time alone at home, you may have reason to be.
  
  
• Research indicates that unsupervised and unstructured time can leadto boredom, peer pressure and risk-taking behavior.
  
  
• Parents need to identify the major areas of concern and talk aboutthem with their teens. We're not just talking about sex, drugs and rock androll. We're talking about the everyday issues of excess such as using thephone, the Internet, curfews, cable TV and violent and "R" rated movies.We're talking about mundane issues as well, such as who, what, where, whenand how many kids can come over when you're not home. We're talking aboutyour right to know where your kids are, who they are with, and what they aredoing.
  
  
• It is important for adolescents to feel they are a part of thedecision making process. Allow teens to express and negotiate the thingsthat are important to them. Ultimately however, parents need to set thestage regarding expectations and boundaries.
  
  
• Presenting teens with too many choices can overwhelm them. It maynot appear that way given their grunts and groans, but teens are desperatelylooking for parents to set limits on their impulsive behavior.
  
  
• Make sure when setting limits that expectations are clear to all.It is not too obsessive to have a written agreement regarding acceptablebehavior as well as what the consequences will be if rules are broken.
  
  
• Be realistic and have reasonable expectations. If you are too rigidwith your adolescent, they will hide things from you and perhaps lie. Ifyou are too permissive, they will act out in extreme ways in an attempt todraw you in to setting appropriate limits.
  
  
• Speak to other parents and find out what their kids are doing duringthe summer. This is particularly important for working parents who findthemselves out of the parent communication loop.
  
  
• Evaluate how things are going on a regular basis. Check in withyour teenager. Allow for corrections as you go.
  
  
• Feel free to call, (516.466.2555), e-mail us (lauries@faceitinc.com) at F.A.C.E. I.T. if your worries persist.

Lynn is a Licensed Psychologist, tenured Professor within the CityUniversity of New York and Adjunct Professor in Applied Psychology at NewYork University. Lynn is an experienced psychotherapist, consultant andproud parent of an adolescent daughter. The focus of her private practiceon Long Island is on adolescent and couples' counseling. Lynn is an expertin the field of girl's and women's development and conducts seminars,workshops and groups on issues related to promoting self-esteem in women.You can contact Lynn at F.A.C.E. I.T. 516.466.2555 or e-mail her atlynnb@faceitinc.com