About Marriage in General
(...and static cling in particular)

Reprinted from At-Home Dad, Spring 1997, Issue 13

My wife, Susan, and I spent one night just thinking of headlines to use for this story about at-home dads & marriage. When Susan came up with the one above, she wasn't thinking of the static cling you try to get out of your clothes, but of the static cling that develops when your toddlers demand all your attention. Yes, you may still be married (clinging) to your wife but your relationship becomes unchanging or shall we say for the headlines sake...static.

By the way, the headline chosen just beat out my headline idea... "Making Your Marriage Float Through the Spit- up" ...which I still like. If you like mine better just type it out on your computer (30 point bold type) and just paste it over the existing one.

Back to the article... The major threat to any at-home dad's marriage happens around dinner time when your wife drives in the driveway and needs to unwind from her day at precisely the same time you do. When you meet at the door the results are often stressful.

Just take this day that Roland La Scala of Wooster, Ohio, experienced. "My wife came home shortly before 7 p.m. dragging with a cold after another stressful day of which there have been many lately. The kids were just finishing eating because I stalled dinner to wait for my wife and then gave up and fed them, another common occurrence. She needed to crawl into bed, but instead sat on the couch in the family room like a zombie, and the kids were all over her screaming. I got protective of her and yelled at the kids, and then felt guilty that I yelled at them. They were just being kids, but I had enough and my wife could not cope."

At-home dad Scott Hahn of Richmond, VA, who works 4 evenings a week as a part-time tech support rep, also gets his evening routine thrown off if his wife arrives home late. "I get a little irritated if Judy gets home after 4:30, because I usually need help occupying (or supervising) Caitlin (4) and Kevin (3 months) while dinner is prepared. If Judy is home late, dinner can be late, which makes getting to work more stressful. However, if Judy's home early, I get an unexpected break that helps me unwind before having to dash out."

Simply not knowing when your wife will be home can throw off your entire night schedule, as you never know when to prepare supper. Charles Greendale of Oregon City, Oregon, came up with a good solution. "I like her to get home close to when I am expecting her. This way I can plan my life outside of my time alone with my child and I can plan how to pace my kid's energy level during the day. This frustrating situation was resolved when she got her cell phone and I talked her into using it to call me if she was going to be later then expected."

Another sticking point I found was how quickly the roles change when the working mom comes home from work. Karl Ochsner of Scottsdale, AZ, notes of an at-home dad friend who passes his children the minute his wife comes through the door. "This is very unfair to both parties. The kids are not a ping pong ball. My wife's work day takes a toll on her too. In our household my daughter is in the stage where she wants me to do everything, take her potty, dress, etc, where it plays a toll on giving me any freedom."

LaScala compromises... separating the kids right away eases his strain. "On normal days, my wife is walking through the door and I am trying to get dinner on the table. Generally she will have one of the kids come with her into the bedroom while she gets changed and I will have the other help me set the table. That's her way of relieving me at the worst time of the day, kids are wild & my patience is thin. By separating the kids we each try to ease each others burden."

For Jay Massey, a working dad of Pensacola, Florida, the schedule can complicate things further. "Joann works a 4 day work week and takes Tucker off of my hands Fri, Sat and Sunday. I work during nap time, nights and weekends. Staying & working at home is a positive for Tucker, but it is hard on Joann and my relationship." Massey runs a design & graphic business out of his home. His wife Joan gives this description of her life: "You know that feeling you have the night before you take a big trip? Running around all over the place trying to get everything? That's what it's like."

Lack of sleep also causes problems. Joe Finkelstein of Dunwoody, Georgia, says, "Our 9-month old son, Will, is still breastfeeding, there's usually 2 long breastfeeds at night and then she's pooped. I get resentful sometimes that there is little time and energy on her part for any intimacy."

Bob McCarthy of Denver, an at-home dad for 7 years, says that intimacy will return and you will slowly start to reconnect as the kids grow older and demand less attention from you. "The circle does come back... when you are in the middle of it you just can't see it because you are just so friggin mad." He recommends regular doses of exercise, breaks for yourself, and ridding yourself of sexual tension.

Ted Manley of Colorado Springs, CO, offers tips on increasing intimacy. "We will take day trips in the van just to get an hour or so that we can talk to each other. Or even talking over the phone when the timing is right. I imagine that we both believe that as the kids get older this will change a bit. We have found a baby-sitter so that we can get one or two nights out a month... but that still leaves the everyday time that a couple of any age needs to recharge their relationship."

Ironically, even by finding time for yourself, you can enjoy the time afterwards with your wife. Greendale uses exercise for his solution to unwinding. "If I can get out for even a short run during the day then I am ready to start fresh, with spilled milk or what have you. We have also joined the local health club and have found it to be a wonderful release especially on those days when Sue is out for the evening and I have solo duty all day. I can go to the health club, put Seth in the day care for an hour, and get my workout in."

With all your physical and mental energy focused on your kids it's only natural that your marriage gets thrown on the back burner. You have little stamina to keep up the communication that you once had with your wife before kids, (which can seem like a long time ago.) You almost forget why you married your wife in the first place. This can set the stage for doubts about your relationship, you may feel like you may never get that old magic back, but it does.

With the rise of divorce rates, you may fear that you will join the 50% of couples that get divorced. The good news? A 1993 study showed that dads who were more involved with their kids had a lower divorce rate than those who weren't.

Sociologist Pepper Schwartz found that couples that work together created a more intimate adult relationship. The reason? The wives noted in Schwartz's study that this intimacy was due to the couple's equally sharing the parenting duties... they spent more time together which creates intimacy between the two.

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