Entrepreneurs

Advice from A-Z
When a Teenager Protests the Sacrifices Required

by Azriela Jaffe

Here's an excerpt from an E-mail I received about the reaction a teenage daughter is having to the family's austerity budget that accompanies her mom's new self-employment:

"A few short months ago, I had a high paying job working for the CEO of a large company. The salary and benefits were great, but I was working 70 hours a week and my family life and health were in ruins. When my boss decided to retire, I retired with him. I got serious about my home-based business which I had been playing with part time on top of full-time job. When we gave up my salary, benefits, and a beautiful, expensive car, we cut back on going out to eat, movies, other forms of entertainment...and yes, even McDonalds where my 11 year old daughter loved to frequent!

This transition has been particularly hard on my daughter, who doesn't understand why we don't go out to eat any more, why she can't have new shoes or clothes every time she turns around, or why we don't go to the movies like we used to. I tell her that we have to give up something *good* now for something *better* later. What do you suggest we do to help my daughter accept the sacrifices we all must make until my business develops?"

Transitions like the one your family is going through can be particularly rough on teenage kids for two primary reasons. First, kids at that age are very me-focused; they want *what* they want, *when* they want it, and they believe that the universe revolves around them - or that least that it should! Since they are so ego-centric, (part of being a teenager), it's a tough time to demand additional sacrifice from them.

Second, most adolescents tend to focus very much on the moment, worried about present day concerns, such as looking their best for that cute boy across the room and purchasing the latest fashions that their friends are wearing. It's tough for them to look forward to rewards potentially available to them years from now.

My husband and I tried to persuade my teenage stepson to improve his grades by pointing out that he would be unable to get into the college of his choice if he didn't improve his academic performance. This approach failed miserably, because he was only fourteen at the time and was unconcerned with such far off plans. We shifted our strategy to focus on concerns that were in his immediate present, like when and where he would be allowed to socialize with his friends, or whether we would continue to pay for the guitar lessons he wanted.

Here are a few suggestions for dealing with your daughter's resistance and resentment:

1. Be Patient. You and your husband have been mentally preparing for this transition for a long time, talking about it late at night, planning the details, and listening to each other's concerns. Give your daughter time to adjust to the changes now required of her. Few kids like any modification in their routine. You say that you quit your job only a few months ago. That's barely enough time for your daughter to adjust - it could take a year or more before she acclimates to the tighter budget.
   
   
2. Empathize. You may have a tendency to minimize and invalidate your daughter's complaints, especially when they are frequent, come at a difficult time for you, or you are feeling guilty. It's easy, from an adult perspective, to get frustrated with a teenager's insistence that they MUST have a particular brand of sneakers, or be able to hang out at McDonalds on weekends with their friends. It's also human nature, if our children know how to push our guilt buttons, to fight back with the rationale that their requests are unreasonable or even absurd. Empathize with your child's anger and sense of loss, without continually giving in to her requests. Try saying, "I know it's really hard for you not to be able to get NIKE sneakers, when all your friends have them," rather than, "Don't be ridiculous. You don't need NIKE sneakers just because your friends have them - these other sneakers will do just fine!"
   
   
3. Discover what motivates your child. If the promise of long-term rewards works for your adolescent, terrific. But, if you notice that reasoning doesn't work, focus on what's important to your child today, or in the very near future. Point out the positive benefits of your being are more available for transportation after school, can help with homework, or are less short-tempered with her than when you were working so many hours outside of the house. Allow your child to discover for herself over time what she gains when you work from home.
   
   
4. Give in every now and then. You and your husband can shift into frugality easier than you can expect of an adolescent. Though you may have good self discipline and commitment to your new family budget, it's unreasonable to expect the same sacrifice of your child, without some rebellion on her part. If eating out regularly at McDonalds is banned, allow your daughter to eat there once in a blue moon. If new clothes aren't in the budget anymore, surprise her by buying something she wants when it goes on sale. She'll rebel less against her lowered standard of living when she gets occasional surprises and gifts.